


Pain and Strength

by Courtkpop123



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Hospitals, Im Changkyun | I.M - Freeform, Im Changkyun | I.M-centric, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Rehabilitation, Sad Im Changkyun | I.M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:33:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 29,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25567501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Courtkpop123/pseuds/Courtkpop123
Summary: Changkyun had been happy with where he was in life, a popular idol and part of Monsta x. That is until he is involved in a serious accident that leaves him with potentially life changing injuries.- request by ReaganJust a heads up, this fic isn’t great and in no way is medically accurate. I’ve had serious writers block with this one but I’ve tried my best.
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Everyone
Comments: 98
Kudos: 178





	1. Chapter 1

All Changkyun had known for most of his life was uncertainty. Moving around a lot as a kid. Not knowing a real home, not knowing if he would ever make it in the music world after his first failed near debut. When he had been given another chance at potential debut, he was uncertain whether anyone would accept him and for a while that seemed to be true. Now however, he had debuted, he had a home and a family consisting of 6 other brothers. He felt on top of the world, sure that there was only good things to come.

———————

“And our final contestants to race are Changkyun and Wonho” minhyuk stated.

The members were near the end of filming for an episode of their new show. The bottom two had to race against each other to see who would get the forfeit. 

“On your marks...get set....GO”

The two sprinted as fast as they could, neck and neck the entire time. It was only in the last few seconds that Wonho looked over to the younger with a smirk before mustering up just enough speed to pass the finish line first.

“And the winner is Wonho...” kihyun began “...that means Changkyun, you have to stay and clear up everyone’s mess. No returning back to the dorm until everything is spotless.”

Changkyun only pouted, causing the older members to laugh. He knew he would be here till nightfall. 

“Don’t worry Changkyun, we will tell you who the singers are in todays masked singer episode when you get back” jooheon chuckled.

“You better not spoil it for me hyung!” Changkyun whined.

————————-

Sure enough, it had taken Changkyun 4 hours to clean the entire area. The time was 10pm, time to finally go home. One staff member had stayed with him to drive him back to the dorm.

As soon as he buckled his belt, his eyes slid shut from exhaustion. He couldn’t wait to get home, shower and sleep. Luckily, they had tomorrow off so he could have a lie in in the morning.

The ride home in the van had been quite uneventful up to this point. Changkyun was close to falling asleep when all of a sudden he heard the staff member gasp. He opened his eyes, in those last few seconds he saw 2 bright lights at his side and a loud bang before he was overtaken by darkness.

————————  
It was now half past 11, over an hour since Changkyun had text the members to say he was on his way back. They were starting to get really worried now.

“He should be back by now” Hyungwon said.

“What if something has happened to him.” Jooheon exclaimed frantically.

Shownu put a hand on the rappers shoulder to stop him pacing. “Hey, I’m sure he’s ok, I will go call manager and see where he is. This must all be a big misunderstanding.” Shownu wasn’t sure though, he just wanted to calm the boy down. In reality, he was just as worried as everyone else.

He was just about to dial their managers number when his phone began to ring, it was their manager calling him. He quickly pressed answer and lifted the device to his ear.

“Hello, hyung? Do you know where Changkyun is? We are getting worried.”

The members watched as they saw a look of shock fall upon the leaders face.

“Wait, what? What do you mean? Is he ok? What happened?”

The members were really starting to panic now, what had happened to their maknae, was he ok?

“I...I...er ok we will be there as soon as we can.”  
Shownu hung up the phone with a shaking hand, shock turning to fear.

“What’s wrong, is he ok?” Kihyun questioned.

Shownu was pulled from his thoughts before answering. “H...he’s been in a car accident. He’s at the erm... the hospital.”

“Wait what? Is he ok hyung?” Minhyuk rushed out.

“We need to get there quick, he’s in a bad way.”

“Oh my god.... oh my god!” Jooheon whispered to himself.

It was a mere couple of minutes later when they rushed out of the dorm to the van, a staff member had been sent to bring them to the hospital.

Jooheon was sat in the far back, his eyes closed while he whispered to himself. “Please be ok. Please Changkyun, be ok.”  
A single tear fell slowly down his cheek.

—————————  
When they arrived at the hospital, they ran as fast as they could to the area of the hospital the maknae had been rushed to. Arriving at a waiting room, they spotted their manager and the staff member who had been driving Changkyun. He appeared to have some cuts on his face but no other injuries.

“Hyung, where is he?” Wonho asked their manager.

The older man ushered for the boys to take a seat.  
“He’s in surgery now, he was bleeding internally so they needed to stop that. They haven’t informed me of any other injuries yet but they said he is critical.” The man put his head in his hands.

“What happened?”

The staff member who drove the van looked up at them with a pale face.  
“It...it all happened so quickly. One minute we were driving as n...normal and then a loud bang. A car had run the red light and swerved into the back of the van, the side Changkyun h...had been sitting o..on. Oh god, I’m so sorry” he began to cry.

Kihyun saw this and moved to sit next to the man, placing his arm around his shoulders.  
“Hey it’s ok, it wasn’t your fault. We just have to hope that Changkyun will be ok.”

Just at that moment a doctor appeared round the corner.

“Are you all here for Im Changkyun?”

“Yes” they all said in Unison.”

“How is he?”


	2. Chapter 2

“How is he?” Shownu quizzed, fear evident in his eyes.

The doctor hesitated for a moment, giving them all a sympathetic look.  
“He had internal bleeding which we were able to stop in surgery before any permanent damage was done...” the doctor looked down to the floor.

“What is it doctor?”

“Well, his internal injuries are stable for now but that is not the only thing I am concerned about. We took an MRI to look for any other injuries. We discovered some serious bruising and swelling around his spinal cord.”

The members all looked at each other, none of them wanting to speak. Kihyun broke the silence.  
“What does this mean, I mean that’s serious isn’t it?”

“We won’t know the full extent of the damage until he wakes up. It may be a case of no lasting effects. However, you should prepare yourselves for the reality that this could have long term effects. The positive thing is that there is no injury to his neck so we were able to remove his neck collar. I’m sorry I can’t give you anymore information currently.”

“Can we see him?”

“I don’t see why not, he should wake up soon.”

—————————  
The members piled into the room, their manager having took the staff member home. They eyed their maknae, now looking so small and sick lying in the hospital bed. They all had been tying so hard to hold back tears, wanting to be strong for the boy. The news that he could potentially have a serious spinal cord injury weighed heavily on their minds, there was no time for such injuries in this type of industry.

“I wish it was me laying there” jooheon whispered.  
He felt a hand on his shoulder, looking back to see Wonho with teary eyes.  
“Don’t say that jooheon, you know Changkyun wouldn’t want any one of us in this position. We just have to hope that he’s going to be ok.”  
Jooheon nodded, not trusting his voice.

“What if he has got a spinal injury, how are we going to help him. What are we going to do?” Minhyuk asked sadly.

Shownu directed his gaze to the other singer, matching his look of sadness. “We won’t know anything until he wakes up, but whatever happens we are going to be there for him, no matter what.”

They all nodded in agreement.

————————  
All Changkyun felt was sore, especially round his stomach. He slowly began to open his eyes, squinting as he was met with a bright white light and white walls. As a few more seconds passed, he was able to open his eyes wide enough to see the other members sat in chairs surrounding the bed.

“Changkyun? Oh god Changkyun are you ok, how do you feel?” Minhyuk rushed out.

“Minhyuk, give him some space. I’ll go get the doctor.”  
Kihyun speedily Walked out of sight into the hallway a few seconds later.

Changkyun mustered enough strength to slowly pull the oxygen mask down  
“What happened?” He croaked out, his voice sounding weak and raspy.

“You were in a car accident Kyun, on the way back from the punishment. We were so worried about you” said Hyungwon. 

“How is the staff member?”

“He’s ok, a few scratches here and there. Manager took him home.”

Changkyun nodded his head slightly in acknowledgment.  
“How bad was I hurt” he asked, placing the mask back over his mouth and nose.

The 5 members looked between each other before Wonho spoke up.  
“I think it’s best if the doctor talks to you first Kyun, ok.”

This only caused slight panic in the maknae, what weren’t they telling him.

As if on que, kihyun returned with the doctor.

“Ahh Changkyun it’s nice to see you awake. Now that you are I just wanted to do some simple tests with you. The accident injured an area near your spine, so we just want to check the extent of the damage.”

“Damage?” Changkyun whispered.

“It’s ok Changkyun, we just want to get an idea of our next steps.”

“Ok...”

“Now I want you to close your eyes and tell me when you feel the pen touching you and where.”

Changkyun nodded and closed his eyes.

The doctor placed the pen on the left side of his stomach.

“My left side... stomach”

“Good Changkyun, and now?”

“Lower right stomach.”

“That’s good Changkyun”

The younger boy smiled, this was a piece of cake. He was ok he thought.

“Changkyun?”

“Yeah I’m ready” the boy said cheerily.

What he couldn’t see was all the members smiles fade as they watched the scene before them.

“And now?”

Changkyun quickly opened his eyes, only to look in shock as he saw the pen pressing down hard on his thigh. He could see it but he couldn’t feel it, why couldn’t he feel it.

“No... I ...I can’t feel that. I can’t feel it.”

“Ok Changkyun, I think we are done for today.”

The maknae now had tears in his eyes.  
“But why can’t I feel that?”

“It appears that your nerves around your spinal cord have been damaged. When this happens, this affects the feeling and movement of parts of your body. In your case, your legs.”

“What does that mean?” he questioned while nearly sobbing.

“It means we will be keeping a close eye on this to see if there is any improvement.”

“And if there isn’t?” 

“I’m sorry to put this so bluntly Changkyun but it means there is a chance that you will not gain full mobility of your legs again.”

Changkyun felt his ears ringing, shock taking over his whole body. He couldn’t talk. Only one single thought running through his mind. ‘I might not walk again’.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be out in a few days :)

The 6 remaining group members had arrived back to their dorm after an exhausting visit. They were all struggling to comprehend what the doctor had told them but watching Changkyun lay in that bed, refusing to say another word was emotionally exhausting for all of them. They wanted to be strong for him, no one wanted to cry. Heck, the maknae never shed a tear while they visited so why would they have that right. 

“What do we do, how do we help him?” Jooheon questioned.

The others looked at each other with sad eyes.  
“Honestly I don’t know....” shownu started “... be there for him. We are going to support him.”

“It was like there was no emotion at all, did you see his face?” Minhyuk said with a strained voice.

“I know. It’s a shock for all of us but I can’t imagine what it’s like for him. I just want to help him”

“What did the company say?”

Shownu thought back to his lengthy phone conversation with one of their managers. “They are going to put all of our promotions on hold until further notice. A statement will go out over the next few days with a brief explanation. They said they will support Changkyun with the costs of his recovery.”

“You mean if he recovers” Hyungwon whispered.

No one replied to this comment because in reality they knew it held some truth.  
They all went to bed that night with sadness in their hearts. All they wanted for Changkyun was for him to be safe in bed in their home, with no worries.

——————————  
Changkyun was alone, laying in his hospital bed in complete silence. He had no tears, still in shock and denial from the diagnosis he had received. ‘There was no way he wouldn’t be able to walk again, no way’ he thought to himself.

He slowly pushed himself up so he could see his legs, pulling the cover off and tossing it to one side. He gently brushed his hand over his left thigh, then his right. He couldn’t feel that.  
Changing tactics, he began tapping but still nothing. The tapping turned gradually into hits and punches, getting harder and harder. Hard enough to definitely bruise. His anger rose as he began to hit more rapidly.

“MOVE! DO SOMETHING!” he yelled while willing his leg, toes... anything to move.

An on duty nurse had heard the commotion and rushed to the distraught boy.

“Changkyun..” she began gently “...you need to calm down. It’s ok”

“ITS NOT OK. I’m not o...ok. Why won’t they move?” 

The nurse only hugged him, shushing him while he cried loudly into her shoulder.

————————

The members had been told of Last nights breakdown by the nurse that morning. She told them to be careful and not push him, if he didn’t want to talk then they shouldn’t force him. 

When they arrived in his room, he looked so defeated and sad. A forced smile appeared on his face when he saw them, but it soon faded.

They had been here for nearly an hour now and only a few words had been spoken, a knife could easily cut through the tension.

“So when are we going to start the preparations for the comeback?” 

The 6 boys eyed their maknae in confusion.

“Well?”

Shownu gave a quick glance to Wonho for moral support before answering the boy.  
“Changkyun.... I think we have more important things to focus on right now.”

“This comeback is important”

“Kyun, we’ve been put on hiatus until you get better.”

“Well that won’t be long, so I think we really need to think about our new music”

Wonho was beginning to grow frustrated at the boy, but also felt sad for him.

“Changkyun, did you even listen to what the doctor said to you.”

This earned an angry stare from the younger.  
“Look, I’m going to get better. It won’t take long and then we can focus on our music.”

“Changkyun, stop it” shownu whispered.

“NO! YOU STOP IT. YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID, OF COURSE I DO.”  
He took a deep breathe.  
“I’m done talking about this. I’m tired, I think you should go.”

“Changkyun...”

“I said leave. NOW!” He yelled before facing his back towards them.

The others slowly made their way out of the hospital room, tears filling their eyes.

“He just needs time.” Kihyun exclaimed.  
“We don’t fully understand what he’s going through, we don’t know how hard it is for him to accept. But we are going to be there for him, no matter how hard he tries to push us away.”

They all nodded in agreement, looking back to the young rappers room with sad frowns.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter up sooner than I expected :)

It was nearing 3 weeks later, Changkyun had been moved to the rehabilitation centre. He had yet to start his therapy. The other boys had been nervous every time they visited him since his outburst. He had quickly apologised soon after but refused to discuss it any further. Choosing only to talk about their next album.

There was a knock at his door, a tall slim man with thick black glasses stood in the entryway.

“Hi Changkyun, I’m Jisung. I will be your personal physio therapist during your stay here. Do you have any questions?”

“When do we start?” Changkyun asked emotionlessly.

“Well you are an eager beaver. We can start right away. I will warn you though, it is going to be tough.”

“Good. The sooner I can do the therapy, the quicker I can get out of here.”

Jisung gave him a small smile before manoeuvring himself next to the bed with a wheelchair.

“Okie dokie. We need to get you in this chair first.”

Changkyun could feel his heart beat slightly quicker. This would be easy, right?

“Ok, what I want you to try is to grab hold of the two handles above you and slowly try and lower yourself into the chair. Do you think you can give it a go?”

“What do you take me for?” Changkyun said defensively. Jisung only continued to smile.

He did as he was told, grabbing the two handles. Mustering all the strength he could, he attempted to lift himself. His legs just wouldn’t cooperate, leading him to let go of the handles. He landed back in the bed. He didn’t realise it would be this tiring just getting into a chair.

“It’s ok. The first time is always the hardest. Do you want my help?”

Changkyun only looked at the floor in embarrassment while he slowly nodded, a small tear springing to his eye.

——————————

Changkyun had returned back to his room half an hour later. He was utterly exhausted considering he had only done a few stretches. Stretches that he had to be helped with by Jisung. It only consisted of the tall physiotherapist moving his legs up and down, left and right. Changkyun could feel none of it. He only held back tears as he watched someone else move his limbs for him, feeling utterly helpless.

He honestly didn’t think it would be this difficult, the reality of his injury only really hitting him while he sat there in that physio room. He would watch other patients doing things for themselves, taking steps and he felt jealous. 

As he lay on his lonely hospital bed, tears began to flow down his face as he sobbed into the crook of his arm. How was he going to do more of this? Just a month ago, he was practicing one of their high intensity choreographies. Now he couldn’t even go to the toilet by himself.

————————  
Jooheon and Hyungwon were visiting today, arriving shortly after Changkyun’s physio session. They looked the boy up and down, noting how tired it had made him.

“Maybe we should let you rest Kyun, we can come back later” Hyungwon suggested.

“N...no it’s fine. I...I’m fine. The physio is just harder than I though it would be I guess. How are the others anyway?”

“They’re ok. Relaxing at the dorm, worrying about you.”

“They don’t need to worry. I’m ok. It just gets lonely here that’s all” the younger said sadly.

Jooheon and Hyungwon gave him a sympathetic look.  
“Hey, the doctor said that when he sees enough progress he will allow you to continue your therapy back home with us. That’s good news right?”

Changkyun hesitated for a second before answering. “I think that will be a long time away yet” he whispered.

Jooheon softly placed his hand on top of the maknae’s. “Don’t think like that. It will happen, you just have to be patient.”

“Easier said than done” he sighed frustratedly, pulling his hand away quickly.

“Kyun.....”

“No, it’s ok. We just have to face the facts that it’s going to be a long long time before I’m even anywhere near where I was at. The company won’t wait forever.”

Hyungwon only looked at the broken soul in-front of him with watery eyes. He couldn’t believe what Changkyun was implying.

————————  
“He just looked so broken and sad. I wish we could help him. He’s struggling so much.” Jooheon exclaimed.

Kihyun crossed the room to join the others at the dining room table.  
“Maybe we could get him to talk to someone at the hospital, talk to a doctor or something about how he feels.”

Shownu sighed heavily, crossing his arms. “You know what he is like. He is stubborn. We can try but I don’t think he will. We just have to let him know we are here for him, whatever he needs. I’m hoping he will open up to us, even if it’s just one of us.”

They all nodded in agreement. All they wanted to do was hug him and tell the young boy that everything was going to be ok. But it wasn’t, not in reality. This could change his life forever, and they don’t have the ability to change that.

“I heard from the police today” 

The 5 remaining members looked towards their leader, eager to hear the information.

“The driver was 3 times over the limit, they have charged him with drink driving and causing serious injury by dangerous driving.”

Jooheon’s face scrunched up in anger “how selfish can you be, what a piece of sh......”

“Jooheon!”

“What? We are all thinking it. How can you be so selfish as to put someone else’s life in danger just because you couldn’t follow the law.”

“He’s pleaded guilty” shownu stated.

Jooheon only stared at the leader, still seething with anger. Not at shownu but the whole situation. “That makes it ok does it? He should have thought about not getting in that car in the first place. Look at what he’s done to Changkyun. He might never walk again all because he wanted a drink and couldn’t be bothered to pay for a taxi Home. He deserves to rot in prison for all I care...”

“Jooheon, stop it!” Kihyun slammed his hand down on the table causing the others to jump slightly.

“I...I’m sorry. I’m just so angry” 

Wonho placed a hand on the teary boys shoulder.  
“We know, we all are but this isn’t going to help Changkyun. We have to think about him now, the police will deal with that guy.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not too long, just wanted to get this chapter out. :)

It was a week later. Changkyun had been sat in his wheelchair watching the clouds at his window for the past 30 minutes. He was supposed to be in the physio room but when Jisung attempted to take him, the boy flat out refused and yelled at the man. Changkyun was feeling a mixture of frustration and anger. He had watched as all the other patients seemed to be making a lot more progress than him. He still could barely lift himself into the chair like how Jisung had showed him.

He was pulled from his thoughts by some footsteps, clearly heading towards him.

“Changkyun...” kihyun began “...why are you not in physio?”

The boy in question shrugged lazily. “Didn’t want to go. There is no point.”

“What do you mean there is no point?”

Changkyun ignored this question, quickly changing the subject.  
“I’ve been thinking hyung, I’m going to terminate my contract so you can go on as a 6 member group” he said with no emotion.

Kihyun was taken by surprise. “What are you talking about Kyun?”

“Did you not hear me? I said I’m going to terminate my contract. Im obviously not going to get better any time soon so there is no point in me slowing you all down. Besides, have you ever seen an idol group with a member who can’t even dance?”

“You don’t mean that.”

“How do you know what I mean, it’s my decision.”

Kihyun only felt anger and frustration rise. “I don’t care if it’s your decision, it’s a stupid one.”

“So I’m stupid now am I?” Changkyun turned his chair round to face the older.

“At the moment you are being, yes. You are so stubborn. Why do you think you aren’t getting better, huh? It’s only been a few weeks.” 

Changkyun only glared at the boy for a few seconds before turning his chair to face the window once again. This was the last straw for Kihyun. The older grabbed the wheelchairs handles and before the younger could react he was being wheeled quickly down the hallway.

“What do you think you are doing? Take me back” Changkyun practically yelled while trying to stop the wheels with his hands but to no avail.

Kihyun pushed him into the quiet corner of the physio room, placing the brakes on.  
“Take a good look Changkyun. These people, a lot of them have worse injuries than you but they don’t whine. They just get on with it. I suggest you stop being so selfish and get over yourself.”

Kihyun took one last look at the boy before walking away towards the canteen.

Chankyun attempted to reach the brakes but struggled.  
“Come back here kihyun, you can’t just walk away from me!” He yelled.

“Watch me.”  
Within seconds, the older male was out of sight.

Changkyun gave up on trying to reach the brakes, choosing to fold his arms and sulk.

“Decided to finally join us?” Jisung questioned.

“Not my choice.” 

The tall male sighed while pulling up a plastic chair next to the wheelchair.  
“Can I tell you a story Changkyun.”

“Do I have a choice in the matter?” He asked bitterly.

“I’m afraid not” Jisung chuckled lightly.  
“A few years back, there was a young man who was a very selfish and bitter young man. One day, he got himself into an accident. He was given less than 4% chance of ever walking or even moving his arms again...”

Changkyun looked up in curiosity.

“...The man remained bitter until one day his family decided that they didn’t want to be around him anymore because he refused to even try and help himself. They visited every now and then but they became distant. He began to realise how bad he had treated the people who were there for him so decided to make things right. He worked hard at getting better. It may have taken a long time and a lot of hard work but he defeated the odds and today is living a fulfilled life. Do you know why I told you this?”

“No”

“That man was me Changkyun. I was just like you, I didn’t want to try because I didn’t think I had a chance but here I am. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“I...I think so.” 

Kihyun returned half an hour later, expecting to be met with an angry maknae waiting in the physio room. As he walked up to the the huge window looking into the room, he smiled. He watched as Changkyun and Jisung worked slowly but together on his stretches. 

——————————

“Maybe I was a bit mean to him.” Kihyun exclaimed.  
He had returned home soon after seeing Changkyun in the capable hands of Jisung.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself ki, I think he needed that push. Otherwise he would still be sat around refusing to do anything, not trying to get better. Did you talk to him about it?” Wonho asked.

“No, I left before he could. It just felt so good seeing him actually trying. I just hope it’s worth it.” He looked down to the floor sadly.

Wonho put a hand softly on kihyun’s shoulder. “It’s ok. We will be there for him whatever happens.”  
This statement elicited a smile from the younger boy who for the first time that day felt some sort of relief.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a day off today so just wanted to bang this chapter out. Hope you enjoy :)

Changkyun seemed to be in a much better mood today. The talk from kihyun and Jisung seemingly knocking some sort of sense into him. Physio had gone well, as well as it could have gone anyway. Jisung had explained how they were going to start using the harness to help him to his feet to begin something new. In all honesty, the boy was slightly scared, worried he would just topple over and make his injury worse. He knew Jisung wouldn’t let this happen but there was still a worry there.

The others had all come together to visit him today, taking a stroll through the hospital garden. Kihyun was pushing Changkyun when the boy ushered for him to stop. Wonho looked back to see where they were but kihyun just signalled that the two needed to talk in private for a moment. The older nodded and ran to join the others.

Kihyun pushed the chair to an empty bench nearby which he took a seat in.

“Hyung...”

“No Changkyun. I’m sorry, I was out of order yesterday leaving you like that and for what I said. I’m sorry Kyun.”

“It’s ok. It was hard to hear but I think I needed to hear it. I was being selfish and stubborn, I’m sorry.”

Kihyun chuckled and held onto the younger boy’s hand.

“I guess we can both be hot headed sometimes. We are just so worried about you Kyun, we just want you to use this chance to get better. Is that too much to ask?”

Changkyun sighed before looking up to kihyun.

“No, I guess not. It’s just hard hyung. The thought of being stuck in this chair. I....I just don’t want to face the reality that I might not get out of it again.”

“You’re strong Changkyun, you can do this. We are here to help you, you know that right?”

A single tear slipped down the maknae’s face before he was pulled into a soft hug.

“I...I know” he said as he slowly pulled away after a minute. He wiped his tear stained cheek and smiled brightly. “We should catch up with the others, they are probably lost by now. You know what they are like with directions.”

This statement elicited a chuckle from both boys. Kihyun was glad to see a smile back on Changkyun’s face. He just hoped it would last.

————————

“Changkyun, can I talk to you for a moment?”

The boy in question looked up from his notebook at his physiotherapist. “Oh, hi hyung. Yeah that’s cool, is everything ok?”

Jisung’s smile grew as a sat in the fabric chair beside the bed. “There have been discussions between myself, the doctors and your management. We have agreed that it would be ok for you to stay with your members in the dorm they have rented. It is near here so you will come for rehab here 5 times a week. We think this will be a more comfortable situation for yourself. What do you think?”

Changkyun hesitated for a moment before a huge grin appeared on his face. “I don’t know what to say. This is great news. When can I go?”

“Arrangements have been made for tomorrow. You will come back here for rehab in two days after you have settled in. Another therapist and nurse will also visit you at the dorm from time to time to check on you.”

“Wow, Thank you so much. I can’t wait. Do the others know?”

Jisung chuckled. “I think they are more excited than you. They are going to come tomorrow to help.”

———————————

Changkyun hadn’t stopped smiling all night. He was sat scrolling through his phone when an article popped up.

_** “Is Monsta x’s Changkyun’s idol dream over? The rapper is said to have a serious injury after a crash.” ** _

His smile fell as he opened the article. A statement had been put out releasing information on his current situation but why did these articles have to be so negative about it. He slowly scrolled down to the comments. He had been told to avoid reading such articles altogether but there was just something nagging at him to read them.

_ ‘He couldn’t even dance before so there is no loss there’ _

_ ‘6 members is the right amount’ _

_‘He probably deserved it’_

Although most comments were positive ones wishing him well, his eyes couldn’t help but focus on all the negative and hateful ones. Tears began to spring to his eyes as he read comment after comment. He bookmarked the article before tossing his phone to his feet, quietly crying into the pillow he held over his face.

He decided then and there that he would keep this to himself. The other boys were already worried enough, as kihyun had stated, without having to deal with this on top of that. No, he wouldn’t tell them. It was only a few comments, right?

——————————

It was moving day and Changkyun was excited, pushing last nights events to the back of his mind. The others had arrived a couple of hours early, management had said they wanted to talk to the boys altogether with their lawyer. The company were aiming to sue the man who caused the accident.

When everyone was settled down in seats, their manager began to speak. “I know this is an exciting day for you Changkyun, but we wanted to get this out of the way first” he said looking over to the lawyer.

“Mr Im. As you know we are planning to sue the man responsible, this takes time. You were also informed of the likelihood of him receiving a prison sentence. If he does receive one then it will likely only be a couple of years, it’s wrong but that’s just how the justice system works here unfortunately.”

Hyungwon and minhyuk both scoffed at this statement. When they were first told of this information a week or so ago, it caused absolute chaos and uproar for the boys.

“As he has plead guilty, there will be no trial. Only a sentencing. It is your decision whether you wish to attend this or not. Apart from this small new piece of information, there is one other thing I came here for.”

The man pulled out an envelope addressed to Changkyun. Everyone looked at it curiously before the boy took it, scrutinising it.

“What’s this?” He asked.

The lawyer sighed. “It’s a letter from him. I do not know it’s contents, some sort of apology I believe but his legal team were adamant that we give it to you. What you do with it is 100% your choice.”

“Are you being serious? He caused all this and now wants to send him some pointless apology. It was probably his lawyer’s idea” jooheon scoffed.

“Jooheon!” Shownu said with a raised voice.

“What, you know it’s probably true. He should just throw it in the bin.”

“I am sitting right here you know. What I do with it is none of anyone’s business. If I want to read it I will, if I don’t then I won’t. Hyung, can you just stick it in my case please.”

Hyungwon did as asked, not before noticing the look of confusion and sadness in Changkyun’s eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did plan to put this chapter out in a couple of days but looking at the weather, it looks like I’m gonna have a busy work week, especially as I do split shifts so don’t finish till late. I have spent my day off writing more chapters and planning out what each chapter will include. I’m looking at about 30 or so chapters. So enjoy, not sure when I will next update, hopefully before the weekend :)

The elevator had took them up to the top floor of the building. They had rented the penthouse of an apartment building in a very secluded and private area of Seoul. This allowed them to have their privacy and enough space for Changkyun to recover. Changkyun thought the view was the best part, overlooking the Han river and a big part of the city. Much better than that dingy hospital room.

He wheeled himself around the apartment, checking all the rooms. His bedroom had already been set up ready for him which he was grateful for. It did make him feel sad when eyeing all the equipment he now needed to use to do simple everyday activities. Ones that caused no bother before. He pushed these thoughts to the back of his mind as he returned back to the large living room with floor to ceiling windows. As large as the windows were, you would have to use a telescope to see inside due to how high up they were.

“Changkyun, we are having spicy ramen and bulgogi for dinner” Wonho stated while rushing around the open plan kitchen/ living area looking for ingredients.

“Sounds good hyung. My favourite.”

“I know, that’s why we are cooking it” the older paused to smile at the boy.

Changkyun smiled back before wheeling himself over to the large windows. It was a cloudy day but you could still make out the large river, it felt peaceful.

The two heard the front door open. They were met with the 5 others bringing up the last of the suitcases. They had brought most of their possessions from their main dorm as no one knew how long they were going to be staying here. They didn’t mind though, as long as Changkyun was recovering, no one cared where they were. Although they didn’t want to admit it, all of them did take more of a liking to this apartment than their own.

A thump was heard as jooheon dropped the 2 bags he was carrying to walk over next to Changkyun.

“Wow, would you look at that view. Startship really pushed the boat at this time don’t you think kyun?”

“Slight understatement hyung” the younger chuckled. “I think I’m gonna head and take a shower while dinner is cooking.”

“You going to be ok kyun?” Kihyun questioned.

“Yeah, I’m good. I’m just glad Jisung hyung taught me how to take a shower by myself. I don’t need you lot watching” he exclaimed sarcastically eliciting laughs from the other boys.

Changkyun smiled back before grabbing some pyjamas and a towel before heading into the shower room. Changkyun was grateful to have this shower room, it was so much easier to use. All he had to do was lower himself onto a smaller waterproof chair, that he could manage.

Before this however, he placed the lock on the door and pulled out his phone. Unlocking it, he pulled up the articles he had bookmarked over the past day or so. He hated reading them but he just couldn’t help it.

_**“WILL MONSTA X CONTINUE AS A 6?”** _

_**“MONSTA X IS FINISHED?”** _

_**“THERES NO ROOM FOR IDOLS WITH SERIOUS INJURIES IN THIS INDUSTRY. WHAT WILL IM CHANGKYUN DO NOW?”** _

Of course the articles led to him reading all the comments, again ignoring all the positive in favour of the hate. He just couldn’t ignore them. Not when it felt like there were so many.

_ ‘This is karma for taking Gun’s spot’ _

_ ‘Give that driver a medal  🤣 ’ _

_‘You can’t miss a rapper when he couldn’t rap in the first place’_

_‘Bring Gun back! Bring Gun back!’_

His thumb was moving the screen up quicker and quicker before he finally tossed his phone on top of the counter. Slowly, he removed his clothes with a struggle before manoeuvring himself onto the plastic chair allowing the spray of the warm water to drown out any noise. 

He sat there for a few minutes before the first sob hit him, also being drowned out by the spray of the water. 

He haphazardly grabbed a new razor and snapped out the blade. Before he knew what he was doing, blood began to slowly flow down his legs. He stared at the cuts on his thighs except he couldn’t feel them. He just wanted to feel something. So instead, he moved the razor up to his stomach, wincing as he made the first cut. The physical pain felt like relief to him, finally feeling something after nothing for so long.

After a few more minutes, after watching as the blood flowed down the plug hole, he turned of the shower. He cleaned up his cuts and moved himself back into his chair before going through the struggle of putting on his pyjamas like Jisung had showed him. He wrapped the razor in tissue, placing it and the broken pieces in his t-shirt pocket. He couldn’t risk the others finding it, so he would have to hide it in his room later on. He exited the room moments later, placing a forced smile on his face.

“Hey Changkyun, everything ok?” Minhyuk asked as the boy wheeled himself towards the dining room table with still damp hair.

“Yeah it’s all good hyung. That shower room is huge. I’m just looking forward to Normal food. There is only so much nasty canteen food someone can take.”

——————-

It was a couple of hours later and the members had decided to watch a movie after a long and tiring day. All except Changkyun.

“Are you sure you don’t want to watch the movie. It’s a horror so I think you will enjoy it” Hyungwon beamed.

“No, that’s ok. I’m beat, so I’m just going to head to bed. Plus I have rehab tomorrow. You all enjoy it though, if I hear screaming I’ll just assume it’s Jooheon hyung.”

“Hey! I’m not that scared of things” the other rapper pouted.

“Sure” the younger chuckled before wheeling towards his bedroom.

He quietly shut the door only to be met with silence. Once inside, he pulled the broken parts of the razor and tossed them to the bottom of his trash can. Choosing then to hide the tissue wrapped razor under his mattress. Least no one would find it there for now. He would find a better place to hide it later.

Once he was settled in bed, he pulled out his phone, continuing to bookmark more articles for the next half an hour. A single tear running down his face at the rising number.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had an extremely busy day at work today, the tiredness is starting to kick in. Changed my mind and posted today as Im having trouble sleeping. I’m planning to post on either Friday or Saturday. Sorry for the messed up schedule but please enjoy :)

Changkyun had arrived at the rehab centre early that morning, his session was due to be an hour or two long. Today, he was going to be using the harness to stand on his feet. He was nervous, feeling somewhat embarrassed but Jisung assured him that these feelings were normal. It’s a scary thing.

“Y..you won’t let me fall right?”

The man smiled. “Of course not Changkyun. Funnily enough, it’s actually not possible, even if you go slack this thing will still hold you up.”

“O...ok”

Jisung and two other staff members aided Changkyun into the contraption. He felt uneasy without the safety of his chair, ironically, the thing that he despised the most over the past weeks.

“Now, this exercise is to get you use to being completely upright and back to the feeling of standing. Obviously don’t expect to feel anything at the moment, over time it will get easier. I will be moving your feet and legs to mimic walking, do you understand?”

Changkyun closed his eyes for a few seconds, breathing in and out a couple of times.  
“I think so.”

“Ok, whenever you are ready.”

He took a moment before nodding to Jisung, signalling he was ready to start.

The sensation of being completely upright in a standing position, although technically not completely standing up, felt weird to him. It’s something that a lot of people take for granted. It felt strange watching and knowing your legs were moving and touching the ground, yet it felt like you were completely still.

They continued with this for a further 15 to 20 minutes before moving on to stretching exercises for the remainder of the session.

—————————

Once the physio session had finally come to an end, Changkyun was absolutely exhausted, drenched with sweat.

“I cannot wait to have a shower, I stink.”

“Don’t worry, us physiotherapists have become immune to that smell.” They both chuckled at this statement.

Jisung was wiping down the exercise mat when he noticed Changkyun’s smile drop.  
“Is everything ok Changkyun?”

The boy nervously rubbed the back of his neck before speaking.  
“C...can I ask you something?”

“Off course you can. As long as it’s not about which sports team I support” he smiled while continuing to clean the mat.

“How did you get through all of this. Did you not want to give up?”

Jisung stopped wiping the mat in favour of taking a seat on a small stool infront of the rapper.  
“Well, it wasn’t easy. As I said before, I was stubborn. There were times during my rehab that I wanted to give it all up, yes.”

“What made you carry on?” Changkyun looked at him curiously.

“My friends and family. The thought of losing them. I figured I would rather struggle through the exhaustion and physical pain than lose them because losing them would be far more painful than what I was going though. Do you have thoughts on giving up Changkyun?”

He looked down at a spot on the ground before answering.  
“Sometimes. It just seems too difficult.”

“It’s ok to feel that way, doesn’t mean you will act on it. It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. I’m always here if you want to talk about those feelings, I felt them all too” he smiled at the boy.

“Thank you” he whispered before returning his gaze to the man.

“Anytime.”

——————————

It was the next day, Changkyun was sat at the table scrolling through his phone when an article popped up. He didn’t expect anything different than the other articles, that was until he scrolled down.

“What the hell is this?”

The other members all looked up from the table at the maknae.

“What’s what?” Hyungwon asked.

Changkyun angrily shoved his phone infront of the worried boys eyes. The article contained photos of Changkyun leaving the rehab centre in his wheelchair.

“No one was supposed to know where I was going. I can’t even have my privacy there!” He was practically yelling.

“Changkyun calm down.”

“I...I’m sorry. I just.... why can’t they just leave me alone to recover in peace.” He began to sob quietly.

A pair of arms wrapped around the boy tightly while shushing him.  
“It’s ok..” Jooheon began “.... we will get the article taken down.”

“W...what’s the p...point. Everyone’s probably s....seen the p...pictures now.”

The older boy’s could only watch the maknae with sadness as they knew this was probably true. They hated that he had to experience this on top of everything else.

Jooheon slept beside Changkyun that night as he cried himself to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How is it Friday already. Anyway, here’s another chapter for you. Enjoy :) and keep safe.

Changkyun made the decision to tag along with everyone to the company building today. He was feeling a bit cooped up considering how large their apartment was. He hadn’t stepped foot inside the company or his personal studio since before the accident, he missed it. They left around 5 in the morning to avoid any crowds. He was just happy to start working on some music for a potential new album.

As he wheeled himself out from the elevator, he felt a sense of relief that nothing had changed. The same staff greeted him, fellow idols too. He was quick to disperse from the others in favour of some alone time in his studio. They would gather back in a couple of hours for a lunch break.

He slowly looked around his studio, the only thing that appeared different was that someone had spent time tidying it up for him for when he arrived. Of course he was grateful. He continued looking around, wheeling himself over to his computer and music notepads.

“How I’ve missed you” he sighed as he looked through the pages to see where he had got to with his raps before the accident. He had written some in the hospital but none seemed good enough to him. Bad writers block affected him due to everything he was experiencing.

There was another reason he wanted to be alone here besides wanting to focus on some music. He opened his backpack attached to his chair, pulling out a familiar white envelope. Moving his keyboard aside, he placed the envelope on the desk. His eyes continued to stare at it as if willing it to open itself. Changkyun couldn’t bring himself to even look at it since he had received it from their lawyer, leaving it stuffed in his suitcase until now.

“Come on Changkyun...” he whispered “...it’s just a letter. Just read it”

He rubbed his shoulder for what felt like the longest time before quickly grabbing the envelope and ripping it open carelessly. Slowly, he took out the piece of paper and unfolded it.

“Here goes nothing.”

_ Dear Im Changkyun  _

_ I’m not even sure if you are reading this right now, my lawyer clearly advised against writing this but I was never any good at listening. I know you must be feeling confused and conflicted as to why I am writing this to you. Honestly i don’t even understand myself completely. I could come up with many reasons and excuses for why I did what I did. Believe me when I say I never went out that day with the intention of hurting anyone. I know that may be hard to believe but it’s true. I am truly sorry for the hurt and anger I have caused you and those around you. I had my reasons for going out that day but that does not make what happened excusable. I hope one day you will be able to forgive me once you understand. I am sorry. _

_ Sincerely _

_ Lee Taeyon _

Changkyun could feel himself reading line after line again and again as if trying to get the contents of the letter to properly sink in.

“You’re sorry? That’s supposed to make everything ok you piece of...”

He scrunched up the paper and threw it across the room before punching his desk hard.

“You did this to me and you want me to forgive you...” he sobbed.

He continued to sob for a few minutes before grabbing his rucksack and searching for something. After a few moments, he pulled out an object wrapped in a piece of tissue.

Carefully, he unfolded it to retrieve the familiar sharp object inside.

Within seconds, more cuts were added to the ever growing amount on his stomach. Wincing as he placed a 4th and final one before relief flooded him and the sobbing halted.

He examined the damage before using some tissue to stop the bleeding then pulled his shirt back down. The blade was wrapped back up in a new piece before being placed in its temporary home back in his rucksack.

Changkyun knew this was bad but it just gave him so much relief from the mental pain he was going though. On top of all that, the man had the audacity to ask for forgiveness after he had ruined Changkyun’s life. That certainly wasn’t going to happen as far as the maknae was concerned.

He pushed these thoughts to the back of his mind before starting to work on a part of his rap. At least he would be able to somewhat focus now. He continued this for the next 2 hours before meeting the others for a lunch break, plastering on a fake smile once again.

————————

It was a week later since the letter incident. The date being January the 26th, Changkyun’s birthday. The boys wanted to make this day special for him after everything he had been through. So of course they had a few surprises for him but first they wanted to start with his favourite breakfast; pancakes. This was really a treat for all of them as they usually wouldn’t be allowed to eat such food being on the diets they were usually on.

Changkyun rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he rolled towards the dining room table.

“Happy birthday Changkyun!” They all yelled in unison, slightly startling the boy who grew the largest smile.

“What’s all this then?”

“Your birthday breakfast of course” Minhyuk stated as he pushed Changkyun the rest of the way towards the towering stack of syrup soaked pancakes.

“You didn’t have to go to all this trouble.”

“Of course we did, especially for our maknae. It’s not often we get to do stuff like this.”

“I guess we have a lot of time to do things like this” he said as his smile disappeared for a few seconds before returning. “Thank you hyung’s” he said as they all sat down infront of their plates.

After 20 minutes and feeling completely stuffed, the 6 older members began to jokingly argue over who would clear up.

“I think the birthday boy should clean up” jooheon laughed before playfully punching Changkyun’s thigh.

“Ow jooheon hyung, that hurt” he said rubbing his thigh.

Everyone stopped in their tracks, staring at the maknae.

“W..what did you just say Kyun?” Jooheon asked nervously.

“I said that hurt hyung, when you punched me on...on the...the...”

Changkyun grew silent as he began to poke and pinch his own thigh. A disbelieving And emotional smile appeared on his face.

“That hurts” he laughed “I...I can feel that hyung’s, I can feel that.”

Tears sprung to his eyes as he continued to pat his thighs. Due to his own tears, he failed to notice the others watery eyes as they watched Changkyun with happiness.

————————

Changkyun couldn’t contain his excitement when Jisung arrived at the dorm for some physio.

“That’s wonderful news Changkyun. See, it just takes time. Unfortunately for you that just means I’m going to have to work you harder” the tall male chuckled.

“I happily accept that challenge hyung”

“Good. Today though we are only going to do a few short exercises. First what we are going to to is you are going to attempt to go into a standing position from your wheelchair while I assist. Are you ready to give it a try?”

“As ready as ill ever be.”

Jisung moved his arms under Changkyun’s before counting to 3.

“1...2...3 and...”

Before he knew it, he was in a standing position, although aided it was his first time without the harness. It was difficult and he could feel the sweatstart all ready.

“How does that feel?”

“W...weird”

He was right in saying it felt strange. He was feeling more strain on his thighs due to getting some feeling back, his body felt like a dead weight on top of them. Honestly though, he enjoyed the feeling. 

“And relax” the physio said as he lowered the boy back into the chair.

“30 seconds rest before we go again. Ok?”

“Ok” Changkyun nodded as a determined look graced his face.

————————

It was a couple of hours later, Changkyun had finished up his session and had a shower.

He arrived back to the living room only to be met with balloons and a birthday banner. The lights dimmed as the familiar sound of a birthday song was heard.

“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Changkyun. Happy birthday to you.”

“Now you have to make a wish Kyun” Minhyuk said excitedly.

Changkyun closed his eyes for a few seconds before blowing out the candles to the cheers of the boy’s. Once the lights were switched on, Wonho handed the boy a pile of colourful envelopes.

“Thank you” he beamed.

“What can we say, we are the best hyung’s after all. Some of those are from staff members and other idols” kihyun exclaimed.

Changkyun began sorting through them when a familiar looking envelope caught his eye. He placed all the others back on the table, favouring the formal looking one.

“Who’s that one from Changkyun?”

“It’s another Letter from... from h...him.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so so sorry guys, I uploaded the wrong chapter for chapter 10, I’ve updated it now and made it right. Hopefully it all makes sense now

“Why the hell is he sending you another letter?” Jooheon asked angrily, not at Changkyun of course.

Changkyun just stared at the letter for a few more moments, in some state of shock. He was pulled from his thoughts by shownu’s hand on his shoulder as well as his gentle tone of voice.

“Kyun, did you read the other letter at all?”  
A small nod from him confirmed the answer.  
“Can you tell us what it said?”

Changkyun tore his gaze away from the envelope before taking a few breaths to calm himself down.  
“He...he was asking for f...forgiveness. Said he had his reasons.”

“Reasons? What justifiable reason can you give for hurting someone so bad. Forgiveness is for people who make honest mistakes” Minhyuk said with bitterness.

“I....I don’t know” Changkyun spoke nervously.

Wonho took his chance to crouch infront of the boy, taking his spare hand into his own. He could feel him shaking.  
“Kyun, you don’t have to read this if you don’t want to. You know that right?”

“I...I know. But... I have to know what it’s says.”

“That’s ok.”

“I just don’t want to read it alone” he said sadly.

“You won’t be alone. We are here” The elder smiled at him hoping to receive one back. He only saw Changkyun nod his head as he began to slowly tear it open to reach the paper inside.  
It was a tense few moments before anyone spoke.

“Kyun, what does it say?”

“H...he wants to meet. Wants to explain why he did what he did.” The younger boy began to shake once again.

“First he asks for forgiveness and now this. How desperate is he to get off Scott free?” Jooheon once again questioned.

“Jooheon!”

“What? I’m only saying what we are all thinking.”

“I... I need to be alone.”

“Kyun....” kihyun began.

“No. I...I just need to be on my own. I’m sorry.” Changkyun interrupted as he wheeled himself off to the privacy of his room. He slammed his door too before moving over to his window, the reflection of the moon appearing in the river.  
In all honesty, he wanted to be alone because he could feel the sudden change in his breathing. As soon as he was out of ear shot, he began to gasp, trying to get as much oxygen as he could. His chest began to hurt as he struggled more, gasping more sharply every few seconds. He stared at the letter before tossing it aside in favour of reaching for his source of relief.  
The cold metal felt so nice against his skin. The blood flowing now mixing with the clear tears that had begun to fall from his cheeks.

—————————

“Maybe we should go check on him?” Hyungwon suggested worriedly.

Shownu sighed while removing the birthday banners from the wall. “I think he just needs space at the moment, he’s overwhelmed. We will talk to him in the morning about it.”

“What is there to talk about?”

“Jooheon!”

“I’m being serious. He shouldn’t see him full stop. Not after what he did, why should anyone give that man the time of day.”

“That’s not our choice to make Jooheon. Changkyun has to decide for himself and whatever he chooses we need to support him. Even if that means him seeing that man face to face” kihyun stated, cringing at the thought of their maknae sitting in the same room as him.

————————

It was the following morning, a grey and gloomy day. They were sat eating breakfast in silence when they heard the familiar sounds of wheels across the hard floor. Changkyun looked like he hadn’t had any sleep at all, dark circles engulfing his eyes.

“Morning Kyun, how are you feeling?”

The boy in question pulled up to the table before rubbing roughly at his red eyes.  
“I..I’m sorry about last night.”

Wonho rounded the table to pour Changkyun a cold glass of water.  
“You have nothing to be sorry for” he smiled.

Chankyun smiled back in gratitude before it dropped back to a frown.  
“I was up all night thinking. I... think I’m going to meet him. I just need to know why he did it.”

Jooheon met Changkyun’s sore eyes.  
“But why? He’s not worth it Kyun.”

“I know you won’t understand, I’m not sure I understand. I just want to hear his reason, I want to know why he did what he did. Does that make me crazy?”

Kihyun softly placed his hand on top of the younger’s.  
“It makes you human Kyun. If that’s what you want to do then we will back you 100%. If you change your mind then that’s ok too.”  
Chankyun couldn’t find anymore words, instead choosing to smile at the singer to show his appreciation for understanding.

————————

It was a few hours later, Chankyun had decided to spend some time writing some lines for his rap at the dining table. The others had all dispersed to different parts of the dorm, no one was really in a talkative mood after the discussion at breakfast. Some, Jooheon and Minhyuk, were still trying to wrap their heads around the fact that Chankyun wanted to meet this man face to face. In their eyes, he didn’t deserve anyone’s time of day. Unfortunately, this wasn’t their choice. Once again, they had to bite their tongue’s. Changkyun didn’t need them ranting and raging about the reasons why he shouldn’t go.

Changkyun was focused on his writing when he heard his phone ping. He ignored it before it went off a second then a third time.

“For Pete sake” he huffed as he harshly placed the pen down on the pad.  
He went to grab the device, only now noticing how far away it was on the table.  
He attempted to reach for it a few times. He could of just wheeled his chair closer but he couldn’t be bothered, where would the fun in that be? He went for one last attempt, reaching as far as he could.  
“Come here you....” he said as his pointer finger touched the edge of the phone.  
“Just a little further....”

Just as he managed to grasp the phone, he felt himself move from the chair, gravity pulling him towards the cold floor. There was a loud bang and then a shout of pain as he landed hard on his side. Fear instantly struck him as his hand reached for his back. 

“Ahh. NO, no, no...” he pleaded as he felt a small pain in his lower back.  
His pained face soon turned to one of shock as he realised his other hand was touching his thigh.....he couldn’t feel it.

“CHANGKYUN, OH MY GOD...Changkyun!” voices yelled as a single tear fell from the maknae’s closed eyes.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m such an idiot guys, I completely missed out a chapter before this I’m so sorry. I’ve now added it in

The private room in the hospital they were escorted to was eerily quiet and cold. Changkyun had been brought in just under an hour ago after his fall. The panic the other members felt skyrocketed as they watched the paramedics attend to the boy. They could only think of the worst as they sat there in silence. The only one standing being jooheon who was pacing back and forth.

“Jooheon, why don’t you sit down.”

“I can’t even think about sitting still right now. What if something’s wrong?”

They couldn’t argue that it wasn’t, especially after they saw the look on Changkyun’s face as he laid on the dorm floor in some sort of pain.

Just at that moment, the doctor entered the room, gently closing the door behind him. The members quickly stood from where they were sitting, eagerly waiting for him to speak.

“Your friend was sent for scans and was evaluated by the specialist spinal doctor. The bad news is that the fall has bruised his back and caused some swelling to return to the nerves around the spinal cord due to them still healing. The good news is that this will go down with time.”

“So he’s going to be ok?” Shownu asked nervously.

“In short, yes. We will send him home tomorrow morning where he should rest for a couple of days. This should allow some of the swelling to go down and he will be able to continue with his rehab.”

They all deflated at this news, grateful that this accident hadn’t caused anymore lasting damage.

“Can we see him doctor?”

“Off course, I will take you to him now” he said.

—————————

Once led inside the hospital room, the doctor politely dismissed himself, leaving them to their privacy. They slowly moved over to the bed, careful not to overcrowd the boy.

“Hey Kyun, how are you feeling?”

“I’m fine” Changkyun replied coldly.

Kihyun picked up on his tone and stared at him worriedly. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong.”

Kihyun decided to not push the boy, choosing to change the subject.  
“The doctor said you could go home in the morning. You just need a few days rest. Isn’t that good news Kyun?”

“Yeah...great.”

The members all looked between each other. They put Changkyun’s mood down to what he had been through over an hour prior. Kihyun wasn’t so sure though.

————————

It was the following day, Changkyun had returned home earlier that morning. He was sat staring out the large window in the living room having refused to take a rest in his room.

Wonho walked over to the kitchen area, noticing kihyun stood looking through one of their cook books.  
“Has he spoken to you at all?”

Kihyun pulled his attention away from the book, sighing. “No, not properly since the hospital. It’s like he’s shut himself down. I just don’t know” he stated sadly.

“He should be in his room resting, I tried to tell him but he just brushed me off.” Wonho exclaimed.

“I just think it scared him, just think how scared we were waiting for any news. That must be a hundred times worse for him.”

“Yeah, I guess you are right. Did you phone Jisung?”

Kihyun nodded. “He’s going to give Changkyun a week to rest to allow the swelling to go down. I was just about to tell him.”

The two walked towards the young boy.

“Changkyun?”  
He ignored them.  
“Changkyun?”

“What?” The boy questioned with a loud tone.

“I called Jisung and he is going to give you a week before your next rehab session.”

“Tell him not to bother”

The elder two looked at one another in confusion.  
“What are you talking about Kyun?” Wonho enquired.

“I said tell him not to bother. I’m not going to do any more rehab.”

“You can’t be serious?”

Changkyun frustratedly turned his chair around to make eye contact with the two.  
“You see this...” he said as he started tapping hard on both his thighs “...I can’t feel this anymore. The feeling is gone again.”

“That won’t be forever Kyun, once the swelling goes down....”

“Don’t you understand....” he interrupted “...there’s no point in doing the rehab if something happens to set me back. I’m just going to stop so nothing else happens. If that means I have to sit in this chair forever then so be it.”

“Changkyun, don’t be like this” Wonho stated.

“Like what hyung? Realistic. I’m not doing the rehab anymore and that’s final. Now can you leave me alone please.”

“Kyun...”

“Just leave me alone!” He spoke through gritted teeth, turning his chair back to face the window.

——————————

A day had passed, the maknae was still refusing to discuss the idea of continuing rehab no matter how many times they tried to bring it up. He made the decision to go to his studio for some peace today, despite the protests of the others who stated he needed to rest. Of course they were right but he was stubborn. His view was that there was no point in resting, he had to get use to what he believed to be his new normal. Especially now that he wasn’t going to be doing anymore rehab.

He had been sat staring at the same piece of paper with a few lines written on it for the last half an hour. His motivation decreasing while his anxiety and sadness levels rose. In this moment, he wished he could just talk to someone but his mind was telling him otherwise, urging him to find solace in something else. A specific object rather than people. People can judge you, objects couldn’t.

The nagging feeling only continued to build, gradually becoming more and more overwhelming. Before he knew it, the silver blade was in-front of him, mocking him. The familiar sharp edges taunting him, while his skin desperately called out for the physical pain.

His shirt was lifted up, the blade making contact with his now rough skin. The crimson covering his fingers as he made fresh new cut after fresh new cut.

“Least I know you’ll never leave me” he whispered to the inanimate object that he now called his closet confidant.


	12. Chapter 12

Wonho sat staring at the full plate of toast and eggs that sat across the table. Compared to the six other plates, it sat completely untouched, the chair empty. The boys had called Changkyun for breakfast at least three times in the past 15 minutes. The boy had become less talkative with the members over the last few days, favouring the solace of his room. He didn’t do anything except lay on his bed or sit in his chair, staring aimlessly out of his window.

“He needs to eat something.”

“What do you suggest minhyuk? We’ve all tried to get him to come out and eat.” Wonho said.

“Have you actually tried going in his room?”

“You know he just gets angry if we go in there without his permission. He will come out when he is ready.”

“No he won’t. I know that and you know that. All he has done for the last few days is stay cooped up moping around in that room, he’s going to waste away if he doesn’t get some food down him!” Minhyuk grabbed the full plate of food, walking in the direction of the boys room.

“Minhyuk, don’t...” Wonho yelled.

Minhyuk checked to see if the door was unlocked before barging in and placing the plate down hard on the desk that the boy was sat next to.

Changkyun looked up in frustration at Minhyuk.  
“I didn’t say you could come in!”

“I don’t care if you want to sit in your room all day but you need to eat. We are not going to let you sit here and waste away to nothing.”

“Can you leave now.”

“Not until you eat something, even if it’s just a piece of toast.”

“Leave.”

Minhyuk crossed his arms signalling to the younger that he was not backing down.  
“Eat.”

“Fine” he shouted before angrily grabbing a piece of toast and taking a couple of bites.  
“Happy?”

Minhyuk only frowned as he turned to exit the room. “I just want you to be happy” he whispered as he closed the door after him.

Changkyun placed the piece of toast down before returning to his spot in-front of the window. He didn’t want to argue with his hyung’s, he didn’t want to make them worry or sad. He was just struggling physically and mentally, hating the fact he was taking it out on them. They didn’t deserve that. Tears filled his eyes thinking about the emotional toll the whole situation was taking on the other members. Looking at the plate once again, he picked up the toast to continue eating it. Maybe he could do one thing right for them.

Minhyuk sat down with a sigh, pushing his own plate away. His appetite had quickly dispersed into nothing.

“Go well did it?” Hyungwon asked sarcastically.

“He ate some of it, that’s something. He just looks so empty, like his eyes have no life or motivation in them anymore. I’m worried about him, he’s not coping at all.”

They all avoided each other’s eye contact, all feeling guilty about how they didn’t know how to help the young rapper. 

“Maybe we should call Jisung, he might be able to talk to him about how he’s feeling” Minhyuk suggested.  
They all nodded in agreement. 

—————————

Changkyun felt emotionally drained, his thoughts all over the place. He had been having nightmares about being forced out of the company. To him, this seemed like a very real possibility. As good as they had been about paying for his rehabilitation and the temporary dorm, there was nothing to stop them from dropping him and finding a much fitter, more able idol. He hated the thought of being replaced by someone. What if people just forgot about him? These thoughts were constantly running through his head since coming home from the hospital. It was overwhelming him. 

The tightness in his chest started, his skin calling out for that specific relief. He pulled the blade from his drawer and wheeled himself into the hallway, checking that everyone else was asleep. Once he confirmed they were, he pushed the wheels of his chair slowly. It was 1 minute before he arrived in-front of the ceiling to floor window in the living room. He placed the brakes on, studying the bustling lights of Seoul, the dorm sat in darkness. Ironic considering that’s how his heart felt, full of darkness and loathing for himself. He pulled the tissue away from the blade before rolling up his sleeves. The clean skin calling for him.

—————————

Kihyun woke up and checked the time; 1 a.m.  
He felt that his mouth was dry so made the decision to retrieve some water to quench his first. Walking out of his room, he noticed Changkyun’s door slightly ajar. He stared for a seconds before shaking his head. He walked towards the kitchen rubbing at his face before something caught his attention from the corner of his eye. He backtracked only to see the silhouette of someone sat in a wheelchair facing the large window.

He rubbed at his eyes before slowly walking over to the younger.

“Changkyun...” he began groggily “....what are you doing up so ea......”  
He cut himself of once he saw what the boy was holding in his hand.  
“Changkyun, what are you doing?”

The boy refused to look at him.  
“I....I wanted to do it, I did. B....but I couldn’t...”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to upload again today as I won’t be able to over the next couple of days. :)

“I....I wanted to do it, I did. B....but I couldn’t...”

“Changkyun...”

“I’m so w...weak hyung. I wanted to do it. I...I can’t even manage this.” A quiet sob left him.

Kihyun walked closer to him, moving to the side he was holding the blade.  
“H....how about you give me that Kyun, yeah?”

It was a tense few seconds before Changkyun dropped the blade into the open hand of the older. Who in turn tossed it away from them.

“Talk to me Kyun, please.”

The younger wiped his eyes, still refusing to meet kihyun’s.

“I can’t do it, it’s too hard hyung.”  
Kihyun only eyed him with more worry.  
“It’s like I...I’m watching everyone move forward with their lives while I’m stuck in the...the s...same place. I...I don’t want to be like this, what If....if I’m stuck like this forever?” He sobbed harder.

Kihyun moved quickly to crouch in-front of the distraught young man, taking his shaking hands into his own. “Then we deal with it. We will help you.”

“I....I just feel so alone. I.....I don’t want to....to be alone.” 

Kihyun stood slightly to pull the boy into the tightest of hugs, Changkyun sinking his tear stained face into kihyun’s shoulder.  
“You are not alone Kyun, you never will be. We will deal with this together as brothers, as family. We are going to help you. Whatever it takes” kihyun said, his voice cracking as his own tears began to fall.

—————————

Kihyun woke up, checking that the younger was still next to him. After his breakdown last night, Changkyun told kihyun about his self harming and how depressed he had been feeling. They cried together, soon falling asleep in Changkyun’s room as the older held him tight. Never wanting to let him go.

“Hyung, are you awake?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry about last night” 

“Don’t you ever be sorry. I’m glad you told me, I’m sorry you had to go through all that by yourself. I wish we saw what was going on.”

“I didn’t want you to know, I wanted to hide it. I wanted to suffer, I deserve it.”

Kihyun sat up at this statement, brushing the hair from the boys eyes.  
“Don’t you ever say that. What you deserve is to be happy.”

Changkyun smiled slightly at this. It soon disappeared as another thought entered his mind. Kihyun noticed this.

“What’s wrong?”

“C...can you tell the others. I don’t think I...I can face them j...just yet.”

“Only if you’re sure.”

The rapper nodded.

—————————

Changkyun stayed in his room to sleep while kihyun gathered the others who all sat on the couch confused.

“What’s going on hyung?” Jooheon questioned.

Kihyun paced back and forth a few times before sitting on the coffee table facing them.

“It’s Changkyun. Last night I walked in on him, he was going to cut his wrists.”  
They all gasped.  
“He has been feeling depressed and......and has been self harming.” Kihyun dropped his head.

“H...how did we not see it? We should have seen it? I should have seen it?” Shownu stated frantically.

“He doesn’t want us all blaming ourselves, as much as we want to, trust me.”

“W...why now?” Jooheon interjected.

“I....I think he’s started to realise he needs help. Last night was his way of crying out for it and we are going to be there for him. I’ve already talked to Jisung about a good psychiatrist he can talk to.”

“How does Kyun feel about that?”

“It was actually his idea. I told him he didn’t have to if he wasn’t ready but he said he didn’t want to feel like that anymore, he wants the help. His first appointment is in two days.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :)

Changkyun had been sat in the psychiatrists office for the past 45 minutes, he never expected to open up like he did during his first session but the woman made him feel safe. Everything just came spilling out along with fresh tears.

“.....it just feels like if I try to help myself or make myself better then it could get worse. I just feel like I want to stop trying.”

“Let me ask you this Changkyun. During your training period and debut as an idol, were there times where things maybe didn’t work out right for you or something didn’t go the way it was planned?”

“Y...yes.”

“Did you give up then?”

He looked up to her from the spot on the floor he had been staring at for the last 5 minutes.  
“N...no.”

“Right. When things got hard and didn’t work you worked on them. You found ways to improve them and in the end it all worked out for the better. Think of that experience with this one now. Sure they are completely different experiences physically but technically are also the same on a mental level. If you want to improve things then you’re the one who needs to find and work on ways to improve them. In this case, you are already doing that by making the decision to see me. That’s a difficult thing to do, accept you need help but you did it. The next step is continuing your rehab.”

“I never really thought of it like that before....” he trailed off, deep in thought.

“By the looks of it, just like back then, you don’t have to do this all alone.”

——————————

It had been a few hours since his visit with the psychiatrist and he had been sat in his room since arriving home, not saying a word to anyone accept quickly greeting them. This worried them to no extent, quickly jumping to the idea that he was shutting them out again.

It was only when Changkyun called them all together in the living area that they got the real explanation.

“I...I’m sorry if it felt like I was cutting you all off this afternoon but trust me that’s not what I was doing. I...I just need some time to think things through.”  
The 6 boys looked at him intriguingly.  
“Im going to start rehab again, I’ve already talked to Jisung about having a session tomorrow.”

“That’s great news Kyun. What made you change your mind?” Kihyun asked while growing the biggest smile.

“It was something the psychiatrist said to me today. She said that small steps in the right direction are better than big steps in the wrong direction and she’s right. I think I was just scared of how little improvement I was seeing in a short amount of time that I refused to look at the big picture. My fear of making small progress was pushing me back much further. W...well I’m done doing that, I’m still scared but I know I’m not alone.”

“We are going to be with you every step of the way Kyun.” Wonho placed a comforting hand on the younger’s shoulder.

“I...I know. I’ll always be grateful” he stated, placing a hand on top of the one on his shoulder, leaning into the touch with a small smile.

Shownu could only look at him with pride and admiration. 

“Just please understand that I will still have my...my days where I’m struggling. I just need a little push to get me going again” he exclaimed nervously.

“And we will always be there to give that to you, always.”

———————————

After a tiring day of rehab for Changkyun, Jisung had asked the boy if he was willing to go with him somewhere. Changkyun first looked a bit confused but agreed anyway. If Jisung wanted him to go with him then it must be important.

They had drove 5 minutes out of the city, parking up safely at the bottom of a hilly road. Jisung helped to push the boy to the top. Changkyun’s eyes came into view of a street lamp, the bottom of it covered with a couple bunches of flowers. When the older male wheeled him closer, he could see the picture of a young looking woman. He put the brakes on Changkyun’s chair next a bench in which he sat down.

“What is all this?” Changkyun asked, directing the elders attention to the flowers.

“My accident happened 8 years ago today, this is where it happened Changkyun. That girl in the photo is my sister.”  
The younger gasped.  
“8 years ago on this day, my sister was driving me to work. We were just making it over this hill when another car accidentally lost control, hitting us head on. She died instantly.”

“I...I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok Changkyun. I didn’t bring you up here for pity. Remember how I told you that my family didn’t want to visit me as much because of how stubborn I was being when refusing to do the rehab?”  
The younger nodded.  
“They were angry because while I was refusing to get better they were also mourning my sister who never had the chance to get better. It could have been a lot worse for me and I was being stubborn, not wanting to see the truth. It was only when they forced me to visit here while there were fresh flowers that I realised how selfish I was being. Part of my healing process was visiting the place where it all began. I think it might be a good thing for you to” he said, directing his gaze towards the maknae.

“I...I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to if it makes you feel uncomfortable but if you want to then that’s fine. When you’re ready, we will go together. You don’t have to do it all alone Changkyun.”

In truth, Changkyun had avoided the area of his accident like the plague. Partly because of fear of something else happening and partly because of the fear of looking at the place where his life changed in seconds. Maybe Jisung was right, maybe it would help him.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a short chapter today :) we are at the halfway mark

“Are you sure you want to do this Kyun? You don’t have to if you don’t want to?” Kihyun spoke to the younger while setting up the camera. Changkyun had decided he wanted to make his first post for monbebe’s since his accident months ago.

“No, no I want to. They deserve it.”

“Only do it if you feel comfortable.”

Changkyun smiled at the boy attempting to reassure the older that he would be ok. “I want to do it hyung. I think it will be good for me. I’ve got to go out in the public eye again at some point, this is a good way to start.”

Kihyun returned the smile watching as the others gave Changkyun thumbs up for moral support.  
“Ok, whenever you are ready.”

Kihyun hit the record button, eyeing the maknae as he took a few breaths to calm his anxiety.

“Hi monbebe. I know it’s been a while since you all have heard personally from me. I wanted to let you know that I’m am doing a lot better and although I am still in the midst of recovery, it’s only a matter of time before Im going to join the others for promotions. I won’t lie, it has been the most difficult time of my life but I’ve had the members by my side the whole time. I will forever be grateful towards them. Anyway, I just wanted to update you and thank you all for your patience during this difficult time. Fighting” he finished with a large smile towards the camera before kihyun hit the stop button.

Changkyun took a few breaths in to once again calm himself.

“We are proud of you Kyun...” Hyungwon began “...that took a lot of guts.”

“I just hope they all understand” he said sadly.

Jooheon walked towards the boy, pulling him into the biggest hug. “They will, trust me. They just want what’s best for you, we all do.”

“Thank you” he replied, sinking deeper into the warmth of the hug.

———————————

Changkyun had been sat worrying about the reactions to the video post he had made. It was sent to the company and posted just under an hour ago. He was too terrified to look at the reactions himself however. 

The other 6 were sat scrolling through the comments on Twitter, smiles growing wide.

“There are so many comments supporting you Kyun.” Shownu stated.

“Look at this one...” Minhyuk started “....he said his sister decided to go to rehab after hearing about you. Isn’t that great Kyun, you’re inspiring people.”

“I...I don’t know.”

“Don’t be so naive Kyun. That was a big step you took in making that video today. Not a lot of people would have done that but you did.”

The younger only blushed at this comment, glad about all the positivity being sent his way. 

——————————

“JOOHEON! SHOWNU! ANYONE!”

Jooheon, shownu and Hyungwon had heard the yells from the kitchen, the other 3 members having gone out for a quick food shop. They never ran so fast when they had heard the shouts, honestly believing there was someone wrong.

They all bust through his bedroom door expecting to be faced with the worst, thinking he had experienced another accident. They were met with the complete opposite however. Changkyun was sat up on his bed, legs stretched out.

“Kyun what’s the matter, why were you yelling?”

The younger smiled, ushering for them to come closer.

“Poke me anywhere on my upper legs, I’ll close my eyes.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Just.... please just do it.”

The three standing boys just looked between each other before nervously agreeing.

Jooheon poked Changkyun first, mind filled with the question of why he was doing this.  
The younger hesitated before speaking.  
“Top left thigh.”

“What?”

“That’s where you poked me. Try another.”

Hyungwon stepped forward this time.

“Lower right thigh.”

“That....that was right...” the tall boy said nervously. Changkyun opened his eyes, his gaze meeting with the disbelief of the others.

“The feeling just started to return suddenly. I... I felt all that. I....I felt that” he exclaimed, allowing the first tear to fall.

“Oh Kyun, I can’t explain how happy I am for you” Jooheon said as they all pulled the boy into a tight hug. For the first time in a while he honestly felt he was heading in the right direction.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a short one :)

Their lawyer had informed the group that Lee Taeyon’s sentencing would take place in a weeks time. Changkyun honestly thought he couldn’t care less, changing the subject as soon as he was told. The others didn’t blame him, they just wanted to see the man pay for his crime. Although, a small part of them wanted to attend just to look the man in the face but Changkyun was adamant that he wanted no one to go. Changkyun stated that he had avoided seeing what the man looked like and he certainly wasn’t going to look at him for the first time in a court full of strangers. Well, he thought he didn’t want to but there was also a part of him that wanted to know who caused his life to change so drastically. He wanted to put a name to the face but he hadn’t told the others that yet.

The younger decided to push these thoughts to the back of his mind. Today he just wanted to focus on making music again. He had made the decision to go to the studio with jooheon to work on some music for a future album and he was excited. He had missed spending days sat with jooheon as they worked on different beats and lyrics. 

They arrived at the studio together early that afternoon, staff and idols alike greeting them with the biggest smiles. For the first time in a while, Changkyun felt like he could return a genuine one, one that wasn’t forced. As they sat together, all he could think was how it felt like before, the one difference being the wheelchair the boy was sat it. 

“I was thinking a beat like this for the beginning. What do you think?” Jooheon enquired before pressing play.

Changkyun listened intently to the 20 second sound clip before smiling brightly as it ended.  
“Yeah, yeah I think this is good. It builds a lot of tension.”

“Cool, I knew you would say that” the elder of the two chuckled. They knew each other’s music tastes like the back of their hands which helped them work so well together.

They spent the next hour or so working on various potential ad-lib’s and ideas for lyrics until they decided to take a lunch break.

“You good Kyun?” Jooheon quizzed as he bit into his ramen, watching as the boy in question seemed to stare of into space.

Changkyun focused his gaze back on jooheon. “Huh, oh yeah. I was just thinking.”

“Don’t think too hard...” he laughed “...is something the matter?”

The younger hesitated for a second before pulling out the second letter Lee Taeyon had sent him. “I....I’ve just been thinking about this.”

“What about it?”

“About going to see him.”

Jooheon sighed and placed his chopsticks next to his bowl. “You’re not serious Kyun?”

“I just.... I don’t know. Part of me just wants to know what he has to say.”

“Nothing good I reckon. You know how I feel about this Kyun. He is a waste of space that doesn’t deserve your time.”

“But what if this is the only chance I’ll get to hear why he did what he did?” What if I regret not going years down the line?”

“You’re not going to drop this are you?”  
The younger shook his head.  
“I’ll be honest Kyun. If I was in your position then I know exactly what I would do but I realise you are not me. So if you want to see him then I will support your decision, we all will even if we don’t like it.” He said, placing a comforting arm around Changkyun’s shoulder.

“Thank you Jooheon, that means a lot. I think this is just something I need to do.” 

————————

“Hey, how did your visit to the studio go?” Shownu asked the two tired looking boys as they joined everyone in the living area.

Changkyun looked nervous about something and everyone seemed to pick up on it.  
“Is everything ok Kyun, did something happen?”

“N...no. The visit to the studio was great but there is something I want to discuss with you all. I’ve already spoken to Jooheon about it.”  
The 5 unsuspecting boys sat looking at the younger with curiosity.  
“I’ve decided that I am going to go and visit Lee Taeyon after all.”

“You can’t be serious Kyun? What did you say to him Jooheon, when he told you? Surely that it wasn’t a good idea?”

“I told him what I would do if I was in his situation and that I didn’t like the idea but it’s his decision.”

“Kyun, you know what that man did right?” Wonho said.

Changkyun only grew frustrated at this statement. “Of course I know, I live with what he did every day!”

“Sorry Kyun, you know what I meant.”

The maknae deflated at this. “I know, I’m sorry. It’s just that this is something I need to do and I would like it if you could all support me even if you don’t agree with my decision.”

They all looked between each other before sighing. “We will always support you Kyun. If this is something you feel you need to do then I think you should do it. Just don’t expect anything from him when you meet him. You might not hear what you want to hear” shownu said.

“I know.”


	17. Chapter 17

It was a bright sunny day today in contrast to the past few weeks of rain they had had. Changkyun was staring out the large window as the sun reflected on Han river. He enjoyed this feature the most about the dorm, the stunning view had something different about it everyday. Although he enjoyed looking at it, he missed seeing it in person.

“You ok Kyun? You look like you’re deep in thought.” Shownu placed a hand on the boy’s shoulder.

“Yeah I’m good. I’ve just been thinking.... do you think that maybe we could go out for a walk by the river? A more quiet part, you know the small park you can walk through.” Shownu stared at him with surprise.  
“No, maybe not then.” The boy said insecurely as he studied the older’s face.

“No I think that’s a great idea Kyun. Are you sure you want to go? Do you think you’re ready?”

He thought for a second before smiling. “I do. That doesn’t mean I’m not nervous but I miss going to the river. I think it will be good to get some proper fresh air.”

“Well alright then. I will let the others know and then we can get going.” Shownu beamed as he walked in the direction of the bedrooms.

—————————

“I don’t think I’ve ever realised how beautiful this river is close up, don’t you think so?”

“You’re right Kyun. This was a good idea to come here, especially with the sun being out.”

Changkyun took in each smell and sight as he wheeled along the path beside the river. They were heading towards the small park that usually had very few people in, even on hot days. The members had only been there a few times but every time they had been they had enjoyed the quietness of it.

“So Kyun....” Minhyuk began nervously “....how are you feeling about visiting him, it’s soon right?”

“Ok I guess. I’ve tried not to think about it too much or I’ll work myself into some sort of panic. I just hope I don’t do or say anything wrong.”

“I think you can say anything you like to him after everything he put you through. You normally do anyway” Jooheon chuckled.

Changkyun smiled before ‘accidentally’ running into the boy with his chair.

“Hey!” The boy whined.

“Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there” the younger laughed.

“Ok you two, calm down. We came here to take in the view. There is a bench over there, why don’t we sit down for a little bit. I’m parched.” Wonho said.

They all followed behind him, taking a seat on the bench, obviously besides Changkyun who stayed in his chair. They sat in awe of the stunning surroundings as they drank their bottles of iced coffee. After a few minutes of sitting peacefully, they noticed 2 girls heading towards them. It was clear to them that they must be fans.

“Oh my god! You’re Monsta x. We are big fans, your music is amazing.” One of the girls said excitedly.

Shownu decided to be the spokesperson for this encounter. They enjoyed meeting fans. “Thank you, we appreciate that.”

The girls continued giggling, eyes moving between each member. It was only when they met Changkyun’s who was smiling at them that their mood took a sudden turn.  
“Oh.... we didn’t think you would be with them.”

Changkyun looked at them with confusion. “Why wouldn’t I be with them? I’m in the same group as them.”

The girls both huffed. “You won’t be soon. Who would like an idol with your.....issues” one of them stated while looking him up and down.

“Excuse me...” kihyun interrupted. 

“No, it’s fine hyung. They can think what they like. A lot of other people do.”

“Well you should listen to us then. Fans like us know what is best for the group and it certainly isn’t you being in it.”

“You can say all you like about me but we know what’s best for the group, not a couple of anti’s like you. Now if you are done, we have to go on with our day making preparations that will prove you wrong. Bye now.”

The girls looked at him in disbelief before storming off.

“Wow Kyun, that really told them. Are you ok?”

“Yeah I’m good. That kind of felt great actually, putting them in their place. I’ve been through to much to worry about what a couple of anti’s think about me.” He smiled.

“We are proud of you.” Wonho said before ruffling the younger’s hair eliciting a small whine of disapproval form him. The other members only laughed at the sight. 

—————————

They had returned from their eventful outing a few hours ago. Changkyun was sat at his desk in his room trying to come up with what he wanted to say at the visit. There was so much he wanted to ask Lee Taeyon but he didn’t know how to put it into words. He sighed heavily one last time before slamming his pencil down. Picking up the empty piece of paper, he wheeled himself into the kitchen area where the others were sat having just finished dinner. 

“I don’t know what I want to say to him. I can’t think of anything.”

They all looked towards him as he pulled up at the table, tossing the piece of paper in-front of him.

“How about you start with asking why he did what he did or something like that.”

“I guess.”

“Kyun, I honestly think once you get in there that all the questions you want answers to will just come pouring out whether you write them down or not.”

“Do you really think so?”

Kihyun nodded. “I do. I’ll be honest. I think it’s going to be difficult emotionally for you. Tensions will be running high, people tend to talk a lot more in such situations. The words will just spill out. You’ll be fine. It also might be a case of just listening to him.”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right.”

“Of course I’m right. Just remember though, if at any time you feel uncomfortable or you feel like it’s too much for you then you can leave.”

————————

“And after 3. 1...2...3” 

Changkyun used all his strength to pull himself up form his seat so that each hand was holding onto a bar. He had been doing this for the past 20 minutes with Jisung and he was absolutely exhausted. Seeing as Changkyun had got some feeling back just below the knees, Jisung wanted to try some more new exercises to prepare Changkyun for when he would be taking steps. For now though, it was about standing up and finding his balance independently.

“And relax...” Jisung said as he helped the exhausted maknae back down into his chair.  
“So how are you feeling after that?”

Changkyun was still trying to catch his breath slightly. “Will... this... always be this.... difficult.”

“No, you will get better at it over time. Think of it as one of your choreographies. When you first start learning it, it’s slow and probably sloppy but in time you learn to perfect it.”

“That’s a good way of putting it actually.”

“What can I say, I’m not just a pretty face” he smiled causing the younger the laugh. 

“Changing the subject. I’ve been thinking about what you said.”

“And what’s that?”

“About visiting the crash sight. I’ve been taking so many steps to recover physically but I’m still tackling the mental side of things. I think this is one of the things that’s holding me back. Anyway, I was just thinking that if you could, then could you be the one to go with me. I just thought seeing as you know what it’s like that you would be the best person to go with.”

“It would be my pleasure Changkyun.”


	18. Chapter 18

The ticking sound of the clock was becoming more and more sickening as the minutes went on. All the boys were sat quietly in the hallway just outside the lawyers office. Changkyun being the most nervous of them all, his stomach was spinning so much with butterflies, he felt like he could throw up any minute. His hand shook as he took many gulps of his water, the only thing keeping him cool as he could feel the sweat making an appearance on his forehead. He felt a warm hand on his thigh, trying to comfort him.

“You can still back out Kyun. There is no shame in not wanting to go through with this.” Shownu suggested.

Changkyun slowly shook his head. He needed to do this, he had to face the man that had turned his life into the most uncomfortable roller coaster ride. “No....no I want too, I need to.”

Just at that moment, his lawyer approached them, signalling that it was time. They all gave him a reassuring smile as he wheeled himself into the room that contained a security guard. The table was set up with enough space for Changkyun and his lawyer as well as Lee Taeyon and his. He wheeled himself to one end of the table. He didn’t know what to expect, maybe a tall bulky man covered in tattoos, he honestly didn’t know. What he didn’t expect to be met with was a average height, slim looking man. Well dressed with thick black glasses and slicked back hair. He looked like any other person. Nothing out of the ordinary.

“Hello Changkyun. I’m...im Lee Taeyon.” The slim built man said as he reached his hand out ready for the young boy to shake.

Did he honestly believe that Changkyun would just accept his hand after the pain and misery he had caused. Taeyon recognised that the rapper was uncomfortable and quickly retracted his hand before nervously taking a seat opposite him.

“Now...” Changkyun’s lawyer began “....we are here today as my client has kindly agreed to hear what you have to say. This conversation is being recorded for security reasons. Mr Lee, you may begin.

“Errr.... well I guess I should start by saying thank you for agreeing to meet with me. I know it must have took a lot.”

“I didn’t do it for you. I just need some answers and then we are done” he said bitterly.

“I completely understand. I would like to say that hand on heart, I had absolutely no intention of hurting anyone that day.”

“Why did you do it then if not to cause harm?” Changkyun spat out.

“I’ll start from the beginning. I’m a recovering alcoholic. I know this isn’t a good thing to start with but I want you to know the truth. All through my 20’s I have had a serious issue with alcoholism. I turned this around with help after my daughter was born. She became my world, my reason for living and being the best dad I could be. She’s the reason I became sober for the next 8 years.”

“What has this got to do with what you did?”

“On the morning of the day of the accident I received some results from the hospital about my daughter. She had fallen ill for some time before that day. They informed me that she had stage 3 leukaemia. I just lost it, all I could think about was losing her and I didn’t want to think about that anymore. So I decided to numb those thoughts the only way I knew how.”

“I....I’m sorry to hear that about your daughter but do you honestly think that is justification for getting in that car drunk?”

“No, no. Absolutely not. I just wanted you to know the reason why it happened.”

“What does your daughter think about all this, does she know?”

“She does, I told her straight away. I hate disappointing her. I just didn’t want to accept that she is ill.”

“Where is she now” Changkyun asked curiously.

“Well her mother isn’t around anymore so she is staying with my brother at the moment while receiving hospital treatment.”

“Is she going to be ok?”

“We don’t know. They are trying their best. I just needed you to know that I wasn’t some low life who went out to have a bit of fun. I am sorry for what I did and I understand if you want to see me punished, I deserve it.”

Changkyun didn’t know what to think. So much information had been thrown at him that he couldn’t think straight. He wanted to look at this man and just see someone who he could hate with all his guts but what he saw was a broken father who needed to be with his daughter. He was still angry but he couldn’t help but feel sorry for the man.

“I...I think I’ve heard enough. I would like to leave now.”

“Recording ended at 1.51pm.” His lawyer stated as he looked at the wall clock.

The security guard opened the door for Changkyun as he began wheeling away only to stop after hearing a strained voice.

“I really am sorry Changkyun. I’m sorry.”

The younger refused to look back at the man as he began for the door once again.

——————————

“You should have seen his face.”

“Doesn’t make it right. If anything, that fact that he could do that while his child needed him makes it worse.”

“He...he was just upset and desperate though.”

“Don’t tell me you feel sorry for him Kyun” Jooheon exclaimed.

“I....I don’t know what to think. Imagine if you were in his situation, I certainly don’t know how I would have reacted. I mean just look how I’ve acted these last few months.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t go out and hurt someone. He did.”

“Look, all I’m saying is I honestly believe he feels awful and sorry for what he did. I thought he was going to be this monster of a man but he is so scared. I could see it in his eyes. He made a mistake, a big one, but it was a mistake.”

The 6 older boys just stared at him. Still in disbelief at everything Changkyun had told them.

“I...I think I’m going to go to the sentencing after all.”

“But why?”

“Because there is something I need to do.”

“What’s that?”

“I’m sorry. I can’t tell you because if I did you would try to stop me, especially you Jooheon. Now, if you need me I’ll be in my room.”

The members only watched the boy in confusion as he wheeled himself towards the privacy of his bedroom. What on earth did he mean by there was something he needed to do?

Once in his room, Changkyun moved himself over to his desk, pulling out a piece of paper and pen. His mind got to work as he began writing line after line on the paper. 

_** ‘My personal statement on behalf of Lee Taeyon...........’ ** _


	19. Chapter 19

Changkyun was sat fiddling with his tie as well as tightly holding on to the important piece of paper. They had been ushered into the court room 10 minutes ago for the sentencing. After Changkyun had told the members of what happened in his meeting with Lee Taeyon, they had all made the decision to attend the sentencing. They had all tried reassuring the younger about his statement, telling him that they were proud for what he was doing. Jooheon told him that he wouldn’t have the strength to do what he was about to do.

The judge sat down in her seat, Lee Taeyon and his lawyer were sat on the other side of the courtroom, he still looked broken and beat down. 

“Now before I hand out the sentence, I have been informed that the victim Im Changkyun has a personal statement he would like to read out. Is this correct Mr Im?”

“Yes your honour” he replied nervously. He wheeled himself to the front of the room where the microphone stood in place for him. His hands shook as he unfolded the paper, sweat beginning to drip down his forehead. He took one last look at the other members and Lee Taeyon before refocusing his attending back on the paper.

“Originally I didn’t plan to write this, I hadn’t even planned to attend the sentencing altogether. The past few months have been the hardest I have ever had to face and I can’t even begin to imagine what it was like for the people around me. I honestly never wanted to see the face of the person that caused my injuries, i was in a dark place and had no intention of caring about what happened to him. He could have rotted in prison for all I cared. However, I recently had the opportunity to meet the man face to face. I didn’t know what to expect. I thought I would walk into that room and find a poor excuse of a human being, someone who just wanted to get off scott free. What I saw instead was a desperate father, who he himself was experiencing severe emotional pain. I do not condone what he did, however I do believe hand on heart that he truly regrets what occurred that day. So I am sat here before you to ask you for leniency for this man. I do not believe he deserves to go to prison. This man deserves a second chance, a chance to be with his daughter while she faces a tough future. A daughter needs her father in her life and although it may take time, I can honestly say I have begun the road to forgiving him. Thank you your honour.”

The judge smiled at him before calling a recess for 15 minutes. The members sat outside the court room, praising their maknae as he sat there quietly. He hoped that his statement would make some sort of difference to the man.

Once the 15 minutes were up, they all returned to their respective seats. Their hands sat holding each other’s for moral support.

“I have taken the time to carefully think about your sentence Mr Lee. I hope you truly do understand the consequences of your actions and if it was in other circumstances I would know exactly the sentence I would give. However, after hearing Mr Im’s statement I have decided on a more suitable sentence that I hope will be beneficial for both sides. I therefore am giving you a 2 year suspended sentence with 4 months of community service. Mr Lee, I would be grateful to Mr Im if I were you. I hope you take this second chance to focus solely on your daughter as she needs you more than ever right now.”

—————————

Changkyun wheeled himself over to the bench that the 6 other boys were sat at after the court had been dismissed. He was minding his own business when a small shadow caught his eye. He looked up to be met with a young girl, around 8 years old, wearing a pink beanie.

“E...excuse me Mr.”

“Oh erm yes?”

The girl suddenly hugged Changkyun as he stared at the others in confusion. He wrapped his arms around the girl before she pulled away after a few moments.  
“Thank you for giving me my dad back” she smiled. 

It was only then that it clicked with everyone who she was. As he looked endearingly at her, they heard a man’s voice call out as he walked towards them. 

“Cho-Hee, you can’t just go running of like that. I’m so sorry...” Taeyon’s voice broke off as he saw who his daughter was talking to.  
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for us to bother you.”

Changkyun only smiled brightly at the young girl. “It’s ok, honestly.”

“Err... I guess I just want to say thank you for what you did in there. You didn’t have to do that.”

“I’ll be honest. I didn’t do it completely for you. What I did realise was that we all need to start moving on. I just hope you spend this time with your daughter, she needs you now more than ever.”

The man nodded at the young rapper before excusing himself and his daughter.

——————————

When they arrived home, they were all emotionally exhausted. Especially Changkyun. He had manoeuvred himself onto the couch beside Jooheon and kihyun. 

“Thank you guys.” He said abruptly.

The members all turned to the maknae in curiosity.  
“What for Kyun?”

“For putting up with me and all my crap these last few months, I know it can’t have been easy for any of you. Just.... thank you for being there for me and not giving up on me.”

“You don’t need to thank us Kyun. We are family, it’s what families do.” Shownu stated sincerely.

“Please stay by my side.” He whispered.

“Always.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had writers block with this chapter for some reason.

Nearly two months had passed since that day at the courthouse. Although slow, Changkyun had been making a lot of progress. He was still using the wheelchair but the feeling in most parts of his legs had returned. He just had to build the muscle back up which is quite difficult and strenuous. He was also working on a lot of music with the other members which aided in keeping his mind occupied on bad days, he had those every now and then. Today though, they had a meeting with their managers at the company. No one had any idea why they had been called in for one but they concluded that it must be important.

The atmosphere was tense as they sat opposite the three senior staff members.

“Good morning boys. I know calling you here is a bit sudden but we as a company have been in discussion for a while. We would like to put the idea to you of holding your first concert back. It wouldn’t be immediate, maybe in a couple of months. What are your thoughts on this?”  
The older man looked between each member, watching as their faces twisted in shock and uncertainty.

“I mean, personally I think this would be a great idea but considering the circumstances with Changkyun, how would this work?”

“The 6 of you would perform the choreography while Changkyun would be in his chair on stage, like we have done in the past with injuries.”

“There is a lot more to it than that hyung. Changkyun, what do you think?”

The younger raised his eyebrows. “Erm... I...I don’t know. I mean it would be good for us to start performing again but would you really want me joining them on stage when all I can do is sit there.”

“Changkyun....” the manager started “....you are a part of this group and always will be. You won’t just be sitting there, you will be performing your parts in the songs along with the others, just no dancing. It’s just an idea at the moment, nothing is set in stone. Just go away and think about it. We will only do something when you are ready” he smiled at the boy trying to reassure him.

—————————

“So what are your thoughts on this Changkyun?” The psychiatrist quizzed. 

As soon as he had left the company, he scheduled an appointment for the next day. His mind was just racing with so many thoughts.

“I....I’m torn. There is a part of me that can’t wait to get back on that stage. The other part of me is petrified. Everything will be different, a lot of people don’t do well with change. What if our fans don’t like the change and start to hate us....hate me” he explained sadly.

“It’s normal to fear the unknown Changkyun but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to be bad. Your fans have been supporting you throughout, correct?” The younger nodded. “Well what makes you think they are going to automatically stop now after months of support?”

“I....I don’t know. They will see the real me, they will see how weak I’ve become.”

“On the contrary Changkyun. The fact that you would be willing to get back on that stage after everything you have been through would show just how strong you really are. Not a lot of people would be able to do that.”

“I guess... I’m just scared about what people will think.”

“Do you think that the most successful people got to where they are without receiving negativity along the way. They got to where they are because they chose to take that in their stride and focus on all the positive things. I know you are capable of being one of these people.”

“Really?”

“Yes. You wouldn’t have come this far otherwise. If you are not ready however, there is no shame in speaking up and telling them that. You need to go at your own pace. Do you understand?”

Changkyun nodded which received a big smile from the elder man.

—————————

He arrived back at the dorm with a refreshed mind. There was still fear in his mind but he had made a decision. He called for all of his hyung’s to join him in the living area.

“How was your appointment Kyun? Did it help clear your head a bit?” Jooheon asked curiously.

“I think so. I just needed another prospective on it. I have made a decision though. I would like to do the concert if you all agree too.”

Shownu crouched in front of the maknae, placing his hands on his shoulders. “Are you sure this is what you would want?”

“I can’t say I’m 100% but it’s something I want to do. We have to start somewhere and I think this would be a good place to. I know it’s not going to be easy but when have we ever had it easy?” He chuckled.

“I will let the managers know then. If you want to change your mind though at any time, that’s ok too.” Shownu stated as he began to walk off to call the company.

“At least I won’t get all hot and sweaty from dancing” he said sarcastically.

“You can still move around and do some moves in that chair you know. Don’t think you’ll be let of that easy” Jooheon said as he playfully slapped the boy’s shoulder eliciting laughter from the other members. 

They were finally starting to get back on track.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s a short one today

It had been a few weeks since the decision to hold their first concert back. Preparations were in full swing, the members had already visited the venue where it would be held. Thankfully, it had easy access for Changkyun which he was grateful for. Their set list was also being decided, with a mix of more up beat songs to a couple of slow and emotional ones such as lost in a dream and someone’s someone. All in all, they were all starting to get excited for this next chapter.

Today, they decided to spend the day at the company so that they could work on the choreography seeing as there was only going to be 6 of them dancing. This did make the maknae feel slightly sad, he was so use to joining in and now he was sat at the side watching them.

“You okay Kyun?” Kihyun asked quietly, noticing the serious look on his face.

“Yeah. I’m good. I just wish i was up there dancing with you all. I miss it.”

Kihyun placed a gently hand on his shoulder. “You will, in time. Look on the positive side, you won’t stink of sweat.” This statement elicited a small laugh from the younger who rubbed at his watery eyes.

“I think I’m going to take a breather in my studio if that’s ok.”

“No problem. Come and get one of us if you need something Kyun. We are always here to talk.”

“Thank you hyung” Changkyun said as he began wheeling towards the practice room door.

——————————

Changkyun had been sat in his studio working on his solo song for the past half hour. In all honesty, yes he had wanted to work on the song but he also wanted to talk to Shownu and wonho alone. They arrived a few minutes after he had fired of a quick text to them.

“Is everything ok Kyun?” Wonho asked.

“Yeah. I just needed to talk to you two alone for a moment. I’ve just been thinking, I’m really improving with my rehab and everything. Jisung said I’m really coming along nicely. Anyway, I was thinking that with this concert coming up and it being the first one back that maybe I could surprise everyone.”

The two older members looked at him in confusion. “What do you mean surprise everyone, with what?”

Changkyun spent the next few minutes explaining what he wanted to do. The boy’s smiles only grew as they watched the maknae get excited over this surprise. They couldn’t wait to see the look on everyone’s faces at the concert, especially the other members. For now, it was a secret between the three, it would stay that way till that day.

———————————

Changkyun was on top of the moon, he wished it would stay that way. Unfortunately, he was never that lucky. He had been sat reading through comments about the announcement that they were holding a concert in just over a month. Most of them had been positive. But with the positive came the negative.

**_ “He’s not an idol if he can’t perform properly with them.” _ **

**_ “What’s the point of him even being there.” _ **

**_ “I thought he would have made the wise decision to leave by now. This concert will be a shambles.” _ **

He had been so good at ignoring all the bad comments, kihyun making him delete all the bookmarks he had made of the articles from a while back. But they were sat there staring him in the face, it was like a drug. Once he read one, he needed more. There was that nagging feeling in the back of his mind, and once again he found himself saving the comments so he could read them all again later. He knew he shouldn’t do this but he couldn’t help it. 


	22. Chapter 22

Changkyun had been pushing the thoughts about all the negative comments to the back of his mind in favour of writing up a post for monbebe’s about the concert. Starship had given him the responsibility of writing the newest post which he honestly didn’t mind. He would be able to give their fans an update on his health within the statement. 

  
**_“Monbebe, it’s I.M here. I have some exciting news to share with you all. We will be holding a one off concert within the next month or so which we will all be taking part in. I cannot begin to express how ecstatic I am that I will be able to join the other members on stage for the first time in a long time. I would like to also thank you for your ongoing support and to let you know that I am doing well. I am taking big steps in my recovery and although I won’t be able to take part in the more physical sides of the concert, I will certainly be rapping to my hearts content. Starship will post more information about the concert soon but I hope you are all looking forward to it. Thank you and fighting!”_ **

He stared at his phone screen, reading the post over and over to ensure he had made no mistakes. Once he reread it a 5th time, he finally pressed the post button. This was really happing, the concert was going forward. A mixture of excitement and anxiousness came over him. Besides this though, he was excited to be able to invite Jisung, a friendly gesture to thank him for everything he had been doing for Changkyun. He would ask him later that day when he had his therapy.

“You finally posted it then?” Hyungwon beamed, taking a seat on the couch.

“Yeah. Do....do you think it’s ok, not too cheesy or anything like that is it?”

“It’s fine Kyun, stop worrying. Why don’t we go out to lunch and celebrate, the 7 of us?”

Changkyun paused, thinking back to the memory of the reporter taking photos of him leaving rehab. He was worried the same would happen but in reality did that really matter? Considering he was going to be seen by likely thousands of people at the concert. He told himself to suck it up.

“If you are not comfortable being in such a public place like that we don’t have to go. We can just have lunch here.”

Changkyun shook his head adamantly. “No, I ...I think it’s a good idea. I need to get use to being around more and more people. Let’s go.”

Hyungwon grinned at the younger. “I’ll go let the others now.”

Once the rapper saw that Hyungwon was out of sight, he pulled up more comments on Twitter. There were so many positive ones but his eyes naturally found the few bad ones, a habit he desperately wanted to break.

_ “They can always wheel him off once they realise just how bad he is.” _

_ “Let’s just support the 6 main members, they are going to need it with him dragging them down.” _

He locked his phone, shoving it in his jacket pocket. “It’s ok Changkyun, they are just people who have nothing better to do” he whispered sadly to himself before sighing.

After a few minutes, the 6 other members joined him in the living area, shoes and jackets already on.

“You ready to go then Kyun?”

“Yeah...yeah let’s go. I’m starving” he replied, trying to mask his nerves.

——————————

The whole time they had been in the restaurant, Changkyun had been watching everybody around them, anxious that people were staring. In reality, no one was, all too invested in their own conversation. This didn’t stop his nerves however as he sat tapping his knee, half listening to Minhyuk’s story. Changkyun wasn’t sure what the singer had just said but whatever it was caused the others to roar with laughter. Wonho must have laughed too much as he accidentally knocked his drink over, the contents spilling into the maknae’s lap. The boy gasped in frustration as he grabbed the napkins to wipe himself down.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry Kyun. Here let me help you” he said, standing up to help wipe his trousers.

“Stop, I don’t need your help. I can do it myself!” He snapped harshly causing the others to stare at him. He saw this and deflated slightly. “M’sorry. Its just.... everyone’s staring.”

“No one is staring Kyun.”

“They are, I know it. Who wouldn’t stare at the cripple. I...I think I’m just going to head home. Jisung will be there soon” he stated, placing some money on the table.

“Kyun. Come on, don’t go.”

“It’s ok. I think I’m just a bit overwhelmed. I’ll see you guys back at the dorm.”

They looked sadly at the rapper, who pulled his phone out to phone for a ride back.

———————————

“You’re doing great Changkyun. Two more steps and then we are done for the day.”

Changkyun did as asked. Using the parallel bars to hold himself up as He shuffled his feet unsteady forward. Once the two steps were completed, Jisung wheeled the chair behind him, allowing him to carefully drop back into it.

“You are really coming along Changkyun. We just need to work on lifting your legs so your feet aren’t dragging” he smiled at the younger but did not receive one back.

“Is everything ok Changkyun, you are normally more talkative during these sessions?”

“Sorry. Just haven’t had the best afternoon.”

“Care to share?”

“How did you deal with being back out in public with your injury?”

“It wasn’t easy. I think everyone worries about what people think of them. The reality of the situation is is that those strangers probably don’t actually care about you at all, you just think they are looking at you because you are the odd one out. It takes time but you learn to ignore those thoughts and think of the positive times ahead.”

“How am I going to do a full concert if I can’t even sit in a restaurant without worrying about people.”

“Think of it this way. Those people won’t really be strangers, they will be your fans. They won’t be staring at you because of the chair, but because you are a performer who is performing for them.”

“Will...will you come? I could really use the moral support.”

“I would be honoured to.”


	23. Chapter 23

Why did he continue to read those comments? He didn’t know. Why did he allow them to get to him? He didn’t know. Why did he allow all the bad thoughts to cloud his mind? He just didn’t know. What he did know was that he was currently holding a familiar object in his hand, an object he use to call his closest confidant. Now he just stared at it with hate and bitterness. He detested how much he yearned for the sensation on his skin. He had been so good at holding off, the members helping to prevent him from falling back into the addictive habit. But now he was alone, sat with his thoughts. He hadn’t been feeling great that day to begin with, sore after rehab the previous day. His day only got worse as he gave in to the urge to read all the negative comments. His eyes began to water as he pulled up his shirt, placing the blade to his skin. He hissed as the pain was drawn to the area on his stomach. All other cuts had now turned into faded pink lines, reminders of his habit. Now he was just adding more to it but it brought him relief. The pain distracted him from all the bad thoughts filling his mind.

He didn’t stop at one, nor two or three. The forth was the cut off point as he placed the bloody blade in the sink, staining the sides red. He had messed up and he knew it. It was only as he cleaned himself up that he realised how much he regretted doing it. He wanted his members and he wanted them now. He needed them. 

The tears began to flow faster as he scurried to open up to bathroom door, the glow from the kitchen catching his eye. His mind had been so foggy but now he remembered that the members were there, he wasn’t alone. He quickly wheeled himself towards the light, coming to a holt in front of the table that had 6 boys sat at it. They all looked up to him, worry filing their faces as they witnessed the tears falling down his cheeks.

“I...I’m s...sorry” he cried.

Kihyun and Wonho hurriedly rounded the table, crouching in front of the crying boy. “What’s wrong Kyun? Why are you crying?” kihyun asked as he wiped his tears away with his thumb.

It was only when Wonho pulled his hand away from Changkun’s t-shirt that he saw faint marks of blood on his hand. He looked from his hand to the younger’s now red stained shirt.  
“Kyun.....”

“I’m s....sorry. I didn’t mean too, it....it just happened. The....the thoughts were too....too loud.”

“You’ve been reading comments again haven’t you?” Wonho questioned. The younger nodded, confirming his suspicions.

Shownu stood to join them, placing a comforting hand on the maknae’s shoulder. “It’s ok Kyun, you’re ok. Why didn’t you come talk to one of us, we could have helped you, talked you through it.”

“I’m sorry” he sobbed.

“No, it’s not your fault. You had a slip up but it’s ok. This happens in recovery. I think we should call your therapist and set up an appointment.”  
Changkyun nodded as kihyun pulled him into a tight hug.

“Help me....please help me.”

The others could only look at him with tears in their eyes. He looked so small and fragile. They just hoped they could get him through this rough patch.

——————————

It took an hour to calm the boy down while also cleaning him up. Luckily, the cuts weren’t too deep. Once they had got him calmed down, they were able to get him to call his therapist to set up an appointment. He told them that he was having a really bad day and he just needed the release. They reassured him that it was ok to have bad days but he should come find one of them when he was, they would always have time for him. He was grateful for that.

“How is he?” Joohoen asked the leader.

“Asleep finally. He’s exhausted. He gave me his phone, told me to keep it away from him to stop him looking at the comments. He’s saved so many on here, people are so cruel.”

“Did you say he saved them?”

“Yeah, luckily he has screen shotted them so they have the usernames of the people. I’m going to show starship tomorrow so they can take action this time. I’m not going to stand by and let people say things like that.”

—————————

Changkyun woke up the next morning feeling sore. He reached across, hand searching for his phone. It was only a few seconds later that he remembered he had given it to shownu to keep from him. In all honesty, he felt relieved that he couldn’t look through all those comments. Instead, he got himself dressed and ready to have some breakfast.

“How are you feeling this morning Kyun?” Asked Hyungwon as the younger wheeled himself to the table. 

“Better than I was. I just got so overwhelmed yesterday, I’m sorry for worrying you all and being a bother.”

“Hey, stop that. You are never a bother so don’t you ever say that. Anyway, seeing as you are feeling better, is there anything you wanted to do in particular today?”

He hesitated for a moment, taking a bite of his eggs. “I think I just want to go the studio today, write some music to take my mind of of things for a little while.”

“That sounds like a plan. We wanted to work on the choreography anyway. I hope you don’t mind us tagging along.”

The younger laughed. “Off course not hyung.”

——————————

Changkyun had been sat, twisting his pen for the last half an hour. His thoughts raced as he came up with an idea of writing a rap that expressed how he really felt inside, the anger, frustration, sadness. He was just trying to find the right words to write down. Once he started writing one line however, it just began to flow from his pen. Every emotion was being included, emotions from the beginning of his recovery to now. The tears flowed down his cheek as he wrote line after line like a machine


	24. Chapter 24

He placed the pen down, taking a deep breath in and out. He had just spent the best part of an hour writing his rap with watery eyes. Everything just seemed to flow, the emotion hitting him like a ton of bricks. He stared at the messy writing with pride, asking himself where all this had suddenly come from. Never in his career had he felt more sure about a song, not wanting to change a single thing. In that moment, he decided it was a song he wanted to share with people, his members, monbebe and he knew exactly where he would do this. He took one last look at it before carefully folding it and placing it in his desk drawer that he then locked. He didn’t want anyone else finding it until it was the right time to share it.

He removed himself from the desk, switching off the studio light and locking the door. He wheeled himself in the direction of the dance practice room, wanting to watch the choreography the members were practicing. The members were too focused on dancing with high intensity that they didn’t notice the younger member watching from the sidelines, a wide grin on his face.

The music came to an end as they collapsed to the floor from their ending positions.

“That was amazing hyung’s” Changkyun stated as he clapped their performance.

Wonho sat up after catching his breath. “Sorry Kyun, we didn’t notice you there. Thank you” he smiled. 

“Are you all finished?” Jooheon asked.

The maknae nodded. “Yep, just got some beats finished that have been sat on the computer for a while. I’m ready whenever you all are. Im taking you all out for dinner.”

“What, why?”

“Well you all must be hungry, I know I am. You all deserve it after that practice. Now hurry up before I go without you.” He chuckled, making his way out the room towards the elevator.

———————————

Changkyun brought them to one of their favourite restaurants in Soeul. It is usually hard to get into but he managed to pull some strings, getting them a separate dining area. He told them to order whatever they liked, he was paying.

“What’s all this for Kyun, you didn’t have to bring us here.” Minhyuk stated while stuffing his mouth with lobster.

“Just as a thanks really for putting up with all my crap the last few months. I don’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for all of you.”

Everyone took a moment to stop eating and look at the youngest. “You don’t need to thank us for that Changkyun. We are brothers, we would do anything for you.” Kihyun said.

“I....I know. It’s just been so hard and I can’t imagine how difficult and exhausting it must be for all of you. So I just wanted to thank you somehow.”

“Aww, our Changkyun is all grown up” Hyungwon joked sarcastically eliciting laughs from the other members.

“Well someone’s got to be the grown up and look after all of you” he hit back, huge smirk on his face. This is how he wanted it all to be, like it use to be. Them all laughing and joking, the seven of them together as a happy family. He had missed these moments so much.

———————————

“I...I don’t know, what if I fall.”

“You won’t fall, I’m here if something happens. We need to boost your confidence a bit more and this is the best place to start” Jisung stated as he helped Changkyun to his feet, also being aided by the parallel bars.

“Ok. Only if you are sure.” He said nervously.

“Whenever you are ready Changkyun.”

It took a few moments, but he began to shuffle his feet forward.

“Now try lifting your feet from the ground rather than shuffling them. I know it may seem difficult but you can do it.”

His nerves weren’t helping him as he continued to slide his foot along the ground. He hesitated before deciding he was going to attempt what Jisung had asked of him. After a minute battling with the thoughts in his head, he looked down to his feet. Mustering up enough strength as he could, he watched as his foot left the ground and he made his first proper step, then another one before he stopped to catch his breath. Jisung wheeled the wheelchair behind him, allowing him to sit back down.

“You did it Changkyun. I knew you could do it. I’m so proud of you.”

Changkyun shyly laughed as he continued to process what had just happened. He had taken not just one but two steps, two proper steps. Something he hadn’t been able to do for months. “I...I did it. Jisung, I did it.” He whispered as he began to cry softly, except these were tears of pure happiness.


	25. Chapter 25

Changkyun was wheeling himself in the direction that lead him to the elevator. He had just finished his appointment at the hospital, having a scan so they could check that his nerves were healing properly. He was nearing the closed doors when he spotted a familiar figure press the button, entering the now open doors before turning round, eyes meeting the rappers.

“Wait, can you hold the doors please” Changkyun yelled while his speed grew. Once safely inside, the doors shut and the the man’s nerves grew.

“Thank you” Changkyun huffed, catching his breath.

The man bowed before seeming to debate in his mind whether he should say something to the boy. Before he could make that choice, Changkyun spoke.

“How is your daughter if you don’t mind me asking?” He looked up to Lee Taeyon.

Taeyon shifted nervously, rubbing his arm. “Oh erm.... she’s getting there I guess. The treatment is doing it’s job for now. I was actually just on my way back from the canteen to see her.”

Changkyun rubbed his hands together as he nodded. The doors opened allowing Taeyon to step out. “This is me” he said timidly before bowing and turning to walk away.

Changkyun hesitated for a few moments before rolling out onto the same floor. “Taeyon, wait.”

The man turned round, looking at the younger with confusion. He watched as the wheelchair bound man moved closer to him.

“Is.... is it ok if I see her, even if it’s just for a few minutes? I just want to see how she is doing. If it makes you uncomfortable then I won’t.”

“Oh.... I err don’t see why not. She has been listening to your groups music non stop.”

The man led Changkyun to a private pastel coloured room with rainbows painted on the walls.

“Honey, I brought back a visitor for you” he said to his daughter, stepping aside to allow here a full view of the boy. Chi-Hee’s eyes lit up as she saw who the visitor was.

“Hi there” Changkyun said with a gentle tone as he wheeled towards the bed. The young girl had a nasal cannula on her face and a beanie which the rapper assumed was covering up the area where her hair use to be.

“H...hi” she whispered nervously.

“I wanted to see how you were. Your dad was kind enough to let me see you.”

“Y...you wanted to see me?”

“Yes, is that ok?” He asked with a smile.

“Yeah...” she beamed, placing her iPad back in her lap.

Changkyun watched this, noticing one of their music videos playing on the screen. Changkyun took this as a chance to make conversation.

“What are you listening to?” He wheeled directly next to her bed.

“H...hero. It’s my favourite”

“Can I listen with you?” 

She smiled at this, timidly handing over one of here earphones to the elder. He took it with a wide grin, placing it in his ear as she pressed play. Lee Taeyon watched with emotion, as he witnessed his daughter’s face light up brighter than he had seen in a long while.

——————————

“Thank you for letting me see her” Changkyun said to the man who closed the door behind them, his daughter had fallen asleep 10 minutes ago.

“That’s ok. It’s nice seeing her smile and be happy, especially with everything she’s been going through. Thank you for making her smile.”

Changkyun nodded before taking a few moments to collect his next words. He rubbed the back of his neck. “I was just thinking. If she is well enough.... would she like to come to our first concert, both of you?”

A look of shock passed the man’s face. “I Erm... I don’t...”

“It’s ok if you don’t.”

“No, it’s not that. I mean would you really want me there, especially after everything that has happened.”

“That’s in the past now, I have forgiven you. I’m looking to the future now and I am getting better. I would really like it if you could both come, I think it would make her happy.”

“Oh err..... yeah ok, that would be great. She will be so happy, thank you.”

“It’s no problem. She deserves happiness. I will sort out the tickets and everything for you and have them sent to you.”

“Thank you Changkyun. This...this really means a lot” Taeyon said, feeling his eyes become watery.

——————————

“Wow, that was a good thing of you to do”  
Jisung stated as he placed another forkful of noodles in his mouth.

Changkyun had decided to take the man out to thank him for everything he had done for him the past few months. Just a small gesture, but Jisung had stated that even this was too much. Changkyun wouldn’t take no for an answer and so they settled on going for Korean bbq.

“I just figured that it’s time to move on. I’ve forgiven and don’t blame anyone for what happened anymore. His daughter deserves to have a good time anyway.”

“That’s sad about her. Hopefully the treatment works. The world can be so cruel sometimes.”

“You can say that again.” Chankyun said sadly, looking down to his plate of rice and pork.

“Anyway, there is something I have been meaning to tell you Changkyun.”

“Oh yeah? This sounds serious” he chuckled.

Jisung smiled at him before placing his fork down. “Well, I’ve decided that you will be my last patient for a while.”

“What? Why?”

“Well, watching you work hard to get back to your dream has inspired me, as cheesy as that sounds. I’ve decided to take a year off to spend time with my family. My parents moved to Spain a little while back, they have been trying to get me to visit for the longest time. I think now is the right time.” He smiled.

“Wow, that’s great Jisung. You deserve the break after all the crap you have had to put up with, especially from me.”

Jisung laughed at this. “I will say you have been one of my more interesting patients, I’m glad you got to be my last until I come back. I just thought you should know.”

“When do you finish?”

“In a couple of months.”

“You are definitely still coming to the concert though right?” Changkyun asked with puppy dog eyes.

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it for the world” he smiled as he and the rapper continued eating their meal.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s only a short one, been having writers block with this chapter.

A month and a half had passed by in a flash, the concert was just a couple of weeks away and to say all the members were excited would be an understatement. In the month that had passed, Changkyun had been making a lot of progress with his physical therapy and his overall mood had been positive.

Today, they were at the company rehearsing. The set list and order of the songs had finally been decided and so they were able to begin rehearsals for the whole concert. Changkyun would obviously be in his chair for the performances but he always watched the others with a smile as they perfected the choreography made for 6 members. His rap still contained just as much emotion and intensity as before however. The others just watched in awe while he practiced his parts. 

“Let’s take a break there” the manger stated, leaving the boy’s in a heap on the floor while he dismissed himself for lunch.

“That was great guys, the best one yet” Changkyun beamed, passing each member a bottle of water and some snacks. 

“Thanks Kyun, you’re not so bad yourself” Jooheon grinned as he took a sip from his water bottle, wiping the sweat dripping from his forehead.

“I wish I could dance with you, then you wouldn’t have to change all the choreographies to fit six members.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. You’ll be up dancing with us on stage soon, not this time but soon.”

Changkyun smiled at shownu’s statement, thinking about just how far he had come since his accident. Sure he still needed the chair but in hind sight, he was a lot better. At least he had regained the feeling and movement back in his legs.

“Anyway... I was thinking about going to the hospital tomorrow, while we have the morning off.” Changkyun said timidly, playing with the hem of his shirt.

They all looked at him with slight confusion.  
“What? Why? Is everything ok?” Hyungwon asked with growing worry.

The younger chuckled lightly. “No, nothing. I’m fine honestly. It’s just... there is something I need to do, a couple of people I need to see.”

The others wanted to know more but didn’t want to press the boy on the matter. “Do you want us to come with you?”

“I think this is something I need to do on my own.” He smiled.

The elder members all nodded in understanding.

——————————

It was the following morning and Changkyun had just arrived at the hospital having left the other members at home in bed. He wheeled through the familiar hallways, passing each door with growing butterflies. He had contacted the hospital to let him know he was coming, it was oddly quiet on this particular morning. 

Arriving at the front desk, a familiar woman smiled at him. “Hello Changkyun, it’s lovely to see you again, you are looking well.”

“Good morning, thank you. I feel well.”

“They are in the staff room already, I will take you through. They think they are having a random staff meeting” she chuckled.  
He smiled at this while following the woman towards a closed door. She opened it for him, allowing him to enter.

“I’ll leave you to it.”

“Thank you.”

He hesitated for a moment, listening to the voices coming from inside. It was only when he entered that the chatter died down and he felt sets of eyes on him.

“Changkyun?” One of the doctors said with shock.

“Erm.... hi, I know this is a bit out of the ordinary.”

“I take it this wasn’t meant to be a staff meeting?” another smiled widely.

“Not exactly” he chuckled, wheeling himself to the centre of the room, in front of the 5 doctors/ surgeons that were sat down.

“Wow, you are looking so well. How are you?”

“I’m good. I’m doing a lot better. I’ve gotten feeling back in my legs and am doing therapy to help me walk again.”

“That’s fantastic Changkyun, we are so happy for you.”

“Thank you...” he hesitated “.... anyway, there is a reason I came here today. I just wanted to thank you all personally for everything you did. You all saved my life, at first I couldn’t appreciate that but now I can see just how much you did for me. It’s not much but I just wanted to let you now how much I appreciate what you did for me.”

“That really means a lot Changkyun. It’s not often that people come back and thank us. We see it as doing our duty and our job. So Thank you.”

“I know you see a lot of people come and go through those doors and you do this everyday but just know for each and every single one of us, what you do is incredible and you make a difference to us.” He smiled, watching as their eyes started to become watery.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably my favourite chapter to write 😊

The arena seemed so big to him as he felt so small wheeling around in his chair. It was the day of the concert, a day they all had been anticipating, especially Changkyun. He had no nerves yet but he knew they would soon make their appearance. The group were due to arrive early that morning for one last rehearsal but the rapper wanted to get there before everyone else. He wanted to take one last look at the huge room and stage before it was filled with thousands of fans. He was feeling a mixture of emotions from happy because he was going to be able to perform again to sacred that people wouldn’t come. He knew this was a silly thought but he couldn’t help it. It felt unreal that he had made it to this point after months of pain, injury, rehab and breakdowns but he had made it here. 

He was still in the centre of the stage, looking out to the empty seats, soon they would be filled with fans. Fans who have waited a long time for this moment. He gently scrubbed at his eyes, feeling how watery they were becoming. He watched as the stage hands walked around to make last minute improvements to the venue, everything was going to be perfect.

Changkyun’s mind ran with thoughts about his solo rap he was going to perform. A song that had been so long in the making, a song that took many tears to write. He thought of the surprise he had planned for tonight. A secret that somehow he, Shownu and Wonho had managed to keep during the whole time they had been preparing for the concert. Not even the staff or the other four members knew. This would be a pivotal moment for him.

He scrubbed at his eyes one last time before he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. He turned around to be met with kihyun who had arrived just moments prior. “Hey, you ready to start rehearsals?” He asked, eyeing the boy with slight worry at his red eyes.

“Yeah, I’m ready” he smiled back to the elder.

———————————

The countdown had begun. It was just under an hour till the concert was due to begin. The members had all changed into their first outfits, all off in separate parts of the room completing their before concert rituals. Changkyun had checked with staff to make sure that Jisung, Taeyon and his daughter had arrived and were comfortable in their seats. The nerves were certainly now kicking in, he could feel the butterflies making a storm in his stomach but at the same time he felt excited. He watched as Jooheon repeated his raps back to himself, Hyungwon fixed his hair and shirt, Kihyun practiced his high notes, Minhyuk took some selfies and Wonho and shownu did some last minute stretches. He felt a sense of pride knowing he would have his brothers alongside him for a long time to come.

An hour seemed to disappear as quick as it came as they were called to the platform lift, one that was easy for Changkyun to wheel onto. They could all hear the beginning cheers of the crowd, a familiar sound at which they all grew wide smiles to after taking some calming breaths. Shownu turned to Changkyun, placing his hand on the boys shoulder, a comforting gesture.  
“Are you ready for this?”

“I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life” he smiled. 

Shownu nodded before retracting his hand and facing forward once again. Changkyun took one last calming breath before the platform began to rise up. This was it...

————————————

The concert was nearing it’s end. Every performance received a huge cheer and applause. There were signs of support for all the members, especially Changkyun. Ones that stated ‘they were always with him’ and ‘our boy is back’. Changkyun beamed with pride at this. He also managed to catch glimpses of Jisung, Taeyon and his daughter whom had the widest smiles on their faces, enjoying every moment.

It was now time for the final song, Changkyun’s solo rap. To say he was nervous was an understatement but he certainly didn’t show it as his chair sat still on the platform below the stage. 

“You can do this Changkyun, fighting” Minhyuk smiled.

“Fighting” the rest of the members all yelled in unison. Changkyun could only smile back as the intro to his song began to play. He looked back and gave them one last nod before the platform raised and he was now facing thousands of fans.

The words just flowed from his mouth as people watched the young man with awe as they witnessed all his emotion pour out with every word and verse that left his mouth. It was around a minute into the song, during the instrumental section, that he heard six familiar voices sing the background vocals in harmony. He turned to watch them walk towards him, three stood either side of him as they all smiled at him. This gave him the confidence boost that he needed as he began his emotional rap once again. It was during this part of the song that he decided he would conduct his surprise. Minhyuk, Jooheon, kihyun and Hyungwon looked in shock as they watched the rapper stand from his chair and take a couple of careful and slow steps towards the front of the stage. Wonho and Shownu could only watch with pride at the boy who was told months ago that he may never walk again now taking steps in front of thousands of their fans.

Changkyun finished his rap, his heavy breathing being the only thing that filled the stadium for a few seconds until a roar of cheers and applause exploded. Changkyun took this moment to take it all in, finally allowing the tears to fall, happy tears.

——————————

Changkyun was now back in his wheelchair, having gotten tired from the excitement of walking on stage for the first time in a long time. The six elder members had all finished their ending Ments and now it was his turn.

The cheers died down so they were all able to hear the boy talk. “Wow. What an incredible night this has been for us and I hope it has been just as incredible for all of you. To be here, performing again is something I didn’t believe would be happening again. The fact I was also able to walk on this stage was a pivotal moment for me and it will be a moment that I will cherish for the rest of my life. To say the year that has gone by has been hard would be an understatement. I’ve struggled but I’ve conquered with the love and support of these boys right here and all of you. I’ve had moments where I wanted to give up but they gave me the strength to carry on. I can honestly say I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them and I don’t think I will ever be able to thank them or all of you enough” Changkyun finished his speech, feeling himself choking up. Cheers began again, with all the fans and other members eyes filled with tears. It was at that moment that he was engulfed in a huge and emotional group hug, one that he felt like he never wanted to leave.

——————————

Changkyun sat staring out the large window that looked out to the Han River. It never looked more beautiful to him than now. He felt so happy inside after the success of the concert they had returned from a couple of hours ago. Most members had turned in for the night but he couldn’t sleep. So many thoughts were running through his mind. He was startled by a hand ruffling his hair.

“Hyung. You made me jump.”

“Sorry Kyun” kihyun chuckled. “What are you still doing up?”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“A lot on your mind?” Changkyun nodded. “Care to share?”

The younger hesitated for a moment, collecting his thoughts.  
“It was here that you saved me kihyun” he looked down sadly at the memory. “It was here that I could have ended it all.”

“And what do you feel sitting here now?”

“That I’m glad I didn’t. I’m glad I carried on. I’m happy that I’m here experiencing all the things I thought I wouldn’t experience again....” he hesitated “...thank you for saving me that night hyung, thank you so much” he began to sob.

The elder felt his own tears flow down his cheeks as he pulled the boy into the tightest of hugs.  
“I will always save you Kyun, always.”


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 more chapters go....

The members had a few days off to rest after last nights concert. They had all returned to the dorm ecstatic, their tears long forgotten. It was now morning and while the rest of the members were sound asleep, Changkyun was wheeling himself through the corridors of the rehab centre. Although he could technically walk with the aid of a walker, he couldn’t walk for long before getting exhausted. Hence why he opted for the easier and quicker mode of transport today. He pulled up to a clean white door with an official looking name plate. He knocked for a couple of seconds before retracting his hand to wait for a reply.

“Come in” a voice softly said. Changkyun opened the door and entered.

“Oh, hi Changkyun” Jisung said happily.  
“The concert last night was incredible, you did so well.” He said before placing some books in a cardboard box.

The rapper blushed, rubbing the back of his neck. “Thank you and thank you for coming, it meant a lot.”  
The man nodded in acknowledgement.  
“So what’s all this then, are you leaving already?”

“Well, I did say you would be my last client, I’ve booked my plane ticket for next week.”

“Oh.... I thought we still had some err.... some more sessions.”

Jisung stopped what he was doing to look up to the younger man. “It’s clear to me Changkyun, after what you did at the concert, that you no longer need me.”

“But....I don’t know. I’m still not 100%.... I erm...”

Jisung gave a reassuring smile and interrupted him. “You’ve made huge progress Changkyun, there is no more that I can do for you. It’s ok to be scared but trust me when I say you will be ok.”  
He walked over to Changkyun, placing his hands gently on his shoulders. “It’s up to you now, just that small little push, you can do it.”

He returned to packing. Changkyun stared at the man for a few seconds before speaking up.  
“Jisung....”

The man looked up towards him. “Yeah?”

“Thank you for everything. I don’t know where I would have been if it wasn’t for you.”

“It was my pleasure. I’m sure I will see you again at some point in the future.”

Changkyun smiled and nodded at this before turning to leave the room.  
“And Changkyun...” the rapper paused and turned around “.....take care of yourself.”

———————————

The 6 elder boys all watched as Changkyun proudly used his walker to make his way over to the dining table for dinner before sitting down between Wonho and minhyuk. 

“You’re getting good at that Kyun” Minhyuk stated

The younger boy blushed, taking a sip of his drink. “I’m getting there, still a bit slow but at least I’m walking.”

The discussion soon turned to Jisung. Changkyun hadn’t mentioned anything of his leaving to the other members yet.

“So how was Jisung? Did he enjoy the concert?”

“Yeah he’s good, he said he had a good time.” Changkyun said, moving the food around his plate.

“When is your next session with him?”

“There’s not going to be one.”

“What? Why? Did something happen?”

Changkyun looked up to them all, smiling. “No. He said I have finished with the rehab centre and that the rest is up to me. He told me a while ago but he is taking time off to spend with his family abroad, I was his last client for a while.”

“Wow Changkyun, that’s great news. Not about Jisung leaving but hearing that you have finished going to the rehab centre. It just shows how far you have come” Wonho beamed, placing a hand on the rappers shoulder.

“Yeah I know. I was worried at first but Jisung was right. He’s done all he can for me, now it’s my turn. He deserves to take a break.”

“Well then...” shownu started, raising his glass “...let’s raise a glass to Changkyun getting better and to Jisung.”

“To getting better and to Jisung” they all said in unison, chuckling.

Changkyun looked around at the 6 members laughing and joking in front of him. It made him happy knowing they were all getting back to their normal lives again.

———————————

Changkyun was sat on the sofa watching videos of his rap performance from the concert. He felt pride knowing that he did that, after months of the unknown. He had being doing a lot better mentally, he was able to open up more to the members about how he was feeling and they were glad. He stopped finding all the negative comments and instead looked for all the positive ones. He was pulled from his thoughts by a figure sitting next to him. 

“Hey Kyun, what are you watching?” Jooheon quizzed.

“Oh... just my performance from the concert. I can’t help but think about just how ready I was to give all this up. I can’t believe how selfish I was being.” He locked the iPad, tossing it in the empty space beside him.

“Hey, you were going through a lot. Anyone would have felt the same.”

“Not everyone would have put up with my crap though. I never really tell you all how grateful I am to have all of you. Not everyone is that lucky.”

Jooheon turned to face the boy, gently squeezing his thigh as a sign of comfort. “We know, we always have known. Just know we are just as grateful to have you in our lives. You know.... that night when we arrived at the hospital, i honestly didn’t know if you were going to survive. That destroyed me, the thought of losing you. You’re my best friend Changkyun, my brother and I don’t think I would have been able to function if we lost you.” Tears brimmed his eyes.

Changkyun placed a gentle hand on the elders shoulder. His eyes also brimming with tears. “I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere.”


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go....

Four months had passed by in a flash. Changkyun no longer needed the assistance of a wheelchair or walker to walk. He was even joining in in light dance practices which had all the members feeling extremely proud of how far he had come. He had come along way in the past few months through pure determination. They had held a couple of concerts here and there to get back into the swing of things.

Today, the company had asked Changkyun to come to the company for a meeting without the other six members. This had him curious and slightly worried as to what they wanted to meet him for. He would be lying if the thought that they would be dropping him from the company didn’t pass through his mind. He made it to the third floor where a few of the managers and other staff were waiting for him in one of their meeting rooms. 

He bowed to everyone before taking a seat nervously at one end of the long table.

“So Changkyun. I suppose you are wondering why we asked you here alone today? Don’t worry, it’s not bad news.” The manager smiled. Changkyun deflated at this statement.  
“We have some exciting news actually. You have been invited to perform your solo rap at the MAMA awards this year. As you know, Monsta X is already due to perform two songs but they would also like you to perform your solo.”

“They... they want me to perform it?”

The elder man nodded. “That’s not all. Your rap has been nominated for best solo song.”

Changkyun was speechless, he almost forgot to breathe. He was going to perform his rap that also had been nominated for an award. It’s hard to believe that this was happening after everything he had been through. He honestly had no clue what to say.

“Changkyun, are you ok?”

The rapper took a few moments before composing himself. “Yes, I’m ok. All of this has just taken me by surprise.”

“Well you certainly deserve it. We cannot wait to see you perform it. Everyone at the company is proud of you. I hope you know that.”

Changkyun smiled widely at this.

——————————

“Changkyun, we are leaving in 10 minutes, get a move on.” Kihyun yelled from the living room.

The members had decided to treat Changkyun to a meal to celebrate his good news. They were all extremely happy and excited for him. 

“Ok hyung, I won’t be a minute” the younger yelled back. He walked over to his walk-in in closet, beginning to rummage around for his favourite jacket. That’s when he noticed something tucked away at the back. He stopped what he was doing and pulled the object out from it’s space. Bringing it back into the centre of his bedroom, he unfolded it and took a heavy seat on the bed. His wheelchair, the thing he had been confined to for months, stared back at him, untouched for a while. He had no words as he continued to stare at the object, feeling a mixture of grief, happiness and sadness.

“Changkyun! Did you not here me calling you, it’s been 15 minutes. We are leaving now.” Kihyun said with agitation. This soon turned to worry as he eyed the boy who seemed to be staring of into space. “Changkyun, are you alright?”

The boy was pulled from his thoughts as The elder took a seat next to him. “Hmm, yeah I’m good.”

“It’s not going to move by itself with you staring at it” kihyun chuckled.

“Yeah, I know. It’s just, I forgot it was still here.”

“Want to tell me what’s on your mind?”

The maknae sighed before taking a few seconds to collect his thoughts. “You know I hate this thing so much. It brought me so much pain and anguish but at the same time it’s given me the opportunity of a lifetime. I would never have written that song if what happened didn’t happen. How can you hate something so much but be grateful to it at the same time?”

“The same way you can be so angry at someone but at the same time care for them so much. It’s just a part of life. This is a part of your life that I think you are ready to let go off.”

“It’s hard letting go hyung. How stupid does that sound...” he laughed nervously, rubbing at his watery eyes. “... it’s an object, yet I feel kinda sad that it has to go.”

“Sometimes we have to let go of things to move on properly. It’s time to look to the future Changkyun rather than getting stuck in the past.”  
He placed a comforting arm around the boys shoulder. “I’ll tell you what, why don’t I come with you to take it back to the centre tomorrow, we will do it together.”

“That sounds like a plan.” Changkyun whispered sadly. He knew this was something he needed do, a part of his past that he needed to let go of.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it guys, the final chapter 😢. I will be posting my new story soon. Enjoy.

They were all stood backstage, sweat dripping from their faces. The members of Monsta x had just performed two of their songs at the MAMA awards. Changkyun had even been able to perform the whole choreography perfectly. Now, he would be back on stage alone in just a few minutes. The stage was being reset for his performance. He was stood nervously walking back and forth when he felt a pair of hands on his shoulders, stopping him in his tracks. He turned round to be met with the faces of the other members.

“You’ll be fine Kyun, you can do this” Wonho reassured with a smile.

“I....I don’t know hyung. I don’t know if I can do this.....” he shook his head.

“Yes you can Kyun. You are strong and you deserve the chance more than anyone to be able to share your song. We will be out there, cheering you on. You can do this.”

Changkyun noted the sincerity in the elders eyes. He took a few slow breaths before allowing a determined look to pass his face. “I can do this” he whispered.

Before he knew it, the members had left to take their seats and he was standing on the lift platform. “You’ve come this far Changkyun, show them how far” he whispered to himself. 

The lift began to rise and the intro music began. He found the faces of his members who were cheering him on with every other person, giving him the confidence he needed. A grin appeared on his face as he began to rap to his hearts content. Every word that flowed hit hard, people felt the emotion filling the room.

He lost himself in the song, allowing himself to feel like he was the only person in the arena. It was only when his heavy breathing was heard that he allowed himself to open his eyes. Looking out to the crowd, he saw the emotion in their eyes, the tears. Everyone cheered, his members being the loudest and most proud. He allowed himself to take everything in before a wide smile graced his face.

———————————

“And the award for best solo song goes too....”

It was a tense few seconds, all the members holding each other’s hands. Changkyun was clearly the most nervous as the presenter opened the envelope.

“MY PATH by I.M of Monsta x!”

There were loud cheers as Changkyun sat in shock, he honestly didn’t think he could stand with his legs feeling like jelly. His members brought him back down to earth by helping him stand to his feet and pushing him towards the direction of the stage. It felt like someone else was making him walk as he stepped up each step and towards the middle of the stage. He bowed politely to the presenter who handed him the award. An award he never expected to get in a million years.

He eyed the award as the cheers died down, allowing him to make a speech.  
“Erm... wow. This is... this is an absolute honour to be able to receive this award in front of all of you. I never believed I would receive such an award in a million years and to receive it after the past year that I have experienced feels absolutely mind blowing. I can honestly say I am shocked and feeling absolutely emotional right now. I feel like I could cry. I wouldn’t be standing here if it wasn’t for all of you and all the people who helped me along the way including my members who have been there for me every step of the way and I know it must have been difficult for them. I also would like to thank the doctors and nurses and also Jisung, all people that have aided me in getting to this point. I can say that I will never take another moment for granted and I will cherish every second I have. Thank you.” He finished with tears in his eyes, bowing as he proudly left the stage.

———————————

The young rapper was sat on the wooden floor looking out the large window one last time when he felt 6 other figures join him.

“What are you doing sitting down here Kyun?” Jooheon asked inquisitively.

“Just..... admiring the view...” he paused for a few seconds “....I’m going to miss the place.”

“I think we all are.”

“It will be good to get back home though. That feels strange to say. I never thought I would see that place again. I honestly believed.....” he sighed.

“Believed what Kyun?” Kihyun asked, concern crossing his face.

“That my dream would be over, that I wouldn’t be able to be in this group any more. I convinced myself during my recovery that I wouldn’t be able to comeback from my injury yet here I am.”

“You worked hard to get back here Kyun, no one would deny that. You are here and healthy and that’s all we could ever ask for. We are so proud of you.”

“Thank you” he said, wiping his watery eyes. “I know now, I know that I need to look towards the future and it’s one I’m excited for. It’s a path that I want to walk alongside all of you with.”

“And we will always walk beside you.”

Changkyun began to sob softly as he stared at the Han river. He allowed all the emotion he had felt to finally leave him, something he had been afraid to do but he knew now that he didn’t need to be afraid. 

He was pulled to his feet and into a group hug as a smile graced his face. He didn’t know where his life would take him from here but he knew it wouldn’t be a path walked alone.


End file.
